The Number 1.99999 Repeating
© 2021
.774 — .852 — .753 — .747 — .776 — .705
.725 — .784 — .757 — .725 — .679 — .799
.740 — .735 — .751 — .789 — .724 — .713
01—We hadn’t been there ninety seconds, because it was right as we walked in the backyard of the high school graduation party that her cousin approached us and, without the slightest hesitation, asked my girlfriend right to her face—Did you bring my tupperware with you? It took perhaps longer than I care to confess to fully recognize what exactly it was she was referencing. Oh, the oxtail, I reflected, a second or so later, as I recalled there being a beautiful, wood-covered, piece of glass of tupperware sitting in our refrigerator for over a week, incubating an oxtail dish that had, unfortunately, totally expired—it was so far gone I was hesitant to even open the top of the tupperware container, despite the fact the top of the container was a beautiful, wood finished piece. There was no doubt in my mind that this oxtail was, at that point, not just completely expired but essentially a type of meat soup, a type of liquified corpse, which of course disgusted me severely. Cleaning it out struck me as a grotesque idea. I can't say for certain, but it's more likely than not that I threw it into the trash—tupperware, wood top, and oxtail. 'Oh, so sorry, I'll definitely bring it back soon!' she said, and I glanced at her and attempted to decipher if she had any idea the tupperware and the oxtail were both long gone, that both now sat in a garbage heap, a pile of trash somewhere, at the bottom of a public dump, still filled with decayed, grotesque oxtail, and that her cousin would never again own the privilege of placing her leftovers into that piece of tupperware with the beautiful wood cover. That tupperware was finished. Having said that, even the finest piece of tupperware—how precious is it really? Couldn’t we replace it for five dollars or less? My thinking at the time was yes, that the tupperware was entirely fungible, yet as soon as we stepped foot into this high school graduation party her cousin inquired about the tupperware—as if this tupperware perhaps belonged to some sort of rare species of tupperware, perhaps a species of tupperware on the verge of extinction, perhaps this was some kind of one-of-a-kind tupperware I nonchalantly tossed into a pile of trash. Some people have massive amounts of respect for tupperware, but I've never been one of them, it always eluded me why anyone would invest more than one dollar into a piece of tupperware, personally. To my mind, if a piece of tupperware, no matter the level of craftsmanship, is priced above one dollar, then it's an overpriced piece of tupperware. It's just not an item I've personally ever viewed as an investment of any kind. In my mind, plates and bowls are relatively worthwhile investments, while tupperware is essentially a capitalist ploy to increase the profit margin on plastic bags—to convince people they shouldn’t only invest in plates and bowls, but also invest in the highest quality plastic bags (tupperware), that in theory they’ll use again and again, but in practice they’ll lose incessantly and constantly have to replace. 02—We hadn’t been there ninety seconds, because it was right as we walked in the backyard of the high school graduation party that her cousin approached us and, without the slightest hesitation, asked my girlfriend right to her face—Did you bring my tupperware with you? It took perhaps longer than I care to confess to fully recognize what exactly it was she was referencing. Oh, the oxtail, I reflected, a second or so later, as I recalled there being a beautiful, wood-covered, piece of glass of tupperware sitting in our refrigerator for over a week, incubating an oxtail dish that had, unfortunately, totally expired—it was so far gone I was hesitant to even open the top of the tupperware container, despite the fact the top of the container was a beautiful, wood finished piece. There was no doubt in my mind that this oxtail was, at that point, not just completely expired but essentially a type of meat soup, a type of liquified corpse, which of course disgusted me severely. Cleaning it out struck me as a grotesque idea. I can't say for certain, but it's more likely than not that I threw it into the trash—tupperware, wood top, and oxtail. 'Oh, so sorry, I'll definitely bring it back soon!' she said, and I glanced at her and attempted to decipher if she had any idea the tupperware and the oxtail were both long gone, that both now sat in a garbage heap, a pile of trash somewhere, at the bottom of a public dump, still filled with decayed, grotesque oxtail, and that her cousin would never again own the privilege of placing her leftovers into that piece of tupperware with the beautiful wood cover. That tupperware was finished. Having said that, even the finest piece of tupperware—how precious is it really? Couldn’t we replace it for five dollars or less? My thinking at the time was yes, that the tupperware was entirely fungible, yet as soon as we stepped foot into this high school graduation party her cousin inquired about the tupperware—as if this tupperware perhaps belonged to some sort of rare species of tupperware, perhaps a species of tupperware on the verge of extinction, perhaps this was some kind of one-of-a-kind tupperware I nonchalantly tossed into a pile of trash. Some people have massive amounts of respect for tupperware, but I've never been one of them, It always eluded me why anyone would invest more than one dollar into a piece of tupperware, personally. To my mind, if a piece of tupperware, no matter the level of craftsmanship, is priced above one dollar, then it's an overpriced piece of tupperware. It's just not an item I've personally ever viewed as an investment of any kind. In my mind, plates and bowls are relatively worthwhile investments, while tupperware is essentially a capitalist ploy to increase the profit margin on plastic bags—to convince people they shouldn’t only invest in plates and bowls, but also invest in the highest quality plastic bags (tupperware), that in theory they’ll use again and again, but in practice they’ll lose incessantly and constantly have to replace. 03—How else can we explain Kierkegaard? The secular philosophers talk our ears off and more often than not say nothing beyond what their thesis advisors demand to be printed, I thought, vociferously drinking this bottle of Soju, while the apex of the theological philosopher truly enacts the notion of philosophizing with a hammer? Yet, in our era, it seems we more or less dismiss all philosophers who choose to believe in God, I thought. Is it then possible, I thought, drinking my Soju, vociferously, that because the theological philosophers have been essentially shunned from the modern academy, that the mere mention of God is anathema to the modern academy, that because the theological philosopher has been holistically banned from partaking in the modern so-called academy, our modern organized educators, that they’ve therefore managed to maneuver outside of the stifling bureaucracy of the university—and actually engaged with original thought? Should we consider that possible? That they echo early Christian theologians, persecuted by pagan Roman authorities, who created elaborate frameworks that formed the sui generis metaphysical foundation of early Christian thought, a sui generis synthesis of the canonical Gospels with Neoplatonic thought, that our modern theologians, almost regardless of denomination, prosecuted by the atheist university bureaucrats, are working within perhaps similarly radical frameworks? After all, secular academic philosophers are loath to speculate on much of anything in our era. In their place we have theoretical physicists who employ complex mathematics to prove the susceptibility of complex mathematics to almost any type of sophistry. Frankly, I’ve never respected mathematicians, I should admit that much upfront. I suppose, in my own way, I've always viewed mathematicians as essentially charlatans. I view the art of mathematics as not only decadent, but I also view the concept of number as an essentially metaphysical domain. The mathematician’s formulas are always derivative of the numerical axioms of metaphysics—it's always struck me as entirely possible that numbers are an impossibility. That the introduction of the decimal point, of the fraction, essentially sank mathematics right in its place, in my eyes at least. Of course, I’m at bottom a disciple of Palamas, for certain, I was inadvertently baptized as a disciple of Palamas, of course, I fundamentally disagree with this modern idea that we can comprehend everything in a purely intellectual fashion, this notion that there’s, in practice, no limit to the human intellect. I find that idea to be one of the most absolutely absurd. Sure, of course, we can read, say, Parmenides and, while it’s impressive, it’s also entirely absurd, and I personally enjoy it immensely, but on those merits. I’m not sure I’d base my scientific thought on it. I'm at least less than certain it’d become the cornerstone of my secular intellectual pursuits. Parmenides is one of the perfect works of absurdist fiction written in any language—and if we indeed made it a cornerstone of our secular intellectual pursuits, then at least we’d need to recognize our absurdist origins, as Dionysius rightfully does. Yet we’ve employed Parmenides for centuries as a fundamental commentary on allegedly rationalist notions. Allegedly rationalist notions—is this not what we find ourselves steeped in, more or less night and day? When I comment on metaphysics I do so in a consciously absurd fashion, because I recognize the limits of language, the limits of language that at bottom are incapable of communicating metaphysics in linear and/or rational fashions. It seems somewhat obvious that there's a nefarious literalism at play here, I think it’s safe to say that. Ever since grade school I was positive that I stood in the presence of a nefarious literalism. Even as a young boy, instinctively, I knew numbers were, in all likelihood, impossibilities, and that my systematic education was highly susceptible to, if not entirely complicit in, a nefarious literalism. The education of my youth didn’t exactly encourage audacious thought. 04—In any case, we can’t compose metaphysics in a rational sense, can we? Isn’t it always in a between-the-lines sense that we compose metaphysics, in winks and nods that we write metaphysics, because we can’t write metaphysics in a linear and/or rational fashion? We take far too much at face value. Our literalism is intentionally or unintentionally nefarious. Because the reality is nearly nothing can be taken at face value. Do you really believe the greatest minds of Antiquity intended to be taken at face value? The Byzantines read Plato the same way we read Dostoyevsky, whereas we read Plato the same way the Byzantines read the Gospels. Perhaps both are absurd. Now, sure, I’m without a doubt, from a certain vantage point at least, a disciple of Palamas, I won't attempt to deny that, but we can’t take everything Palamas put to papyrus at face value either. Although Palamas understood the shortcomings of Antiquity better than even the most progressive modern scholar, I’d be the last one to say I take everything the saint wrote at face value, because I’m far from a literalist. The modern scholar, insofar as he keeps his faith in rationalism, will most likely never come to terms with the nature of Antiquity—is that fair to say? He’ll read Parmenides and take everything literally, and in taking everything literally he'll inevitably take everything idiotically. Isn’t it the case that the theologians are the greatest skeptics among us? We view faith as poison as we retain fanatical levels of faith in our sensory organs. We peruse a variety of empirical studies that vivisect the grotesque fictions of our sensory organs—did you know it’s now speculated human beings didn’t see the color blue until the latter BC centuries at earliest? All around us our sensory organs excrete evidence of their utter unreliability, yet we view faith as idiocy while retaining this fanatical notion that our sensory organs can and should and must be trusted—which is why we're not quite radical enough. The modern age retains radical faith in its sensory organs in a more fanatical fashion than any historical religion known to man. Nothing can be taken at face value, that much we should agree on, which brings me to this, a true fly in the ointment, so to speak—how is it you arrive at a postulation of an essence you cannot know? This is the question, is it not? How does the mathematician reach the postulation numbers are actual and distinct? How is it possible, given human capabilities, to distinguish the number two from the number one point nine repeating (1.9999999…) in practice? How is it possible to distinguish two from one point nine repeating? How does mathematics attempt to lay any claim to physical space—to attempt to claim the ability to leave the theoretical—when it's impossible for us to distinguish the number two from the number one point nine repeating (1.9999999999999999999999...), in practice? It seems impossible for us to know that the number two is in fact the number two, and not the number one point nine repeating (1.9999999999999999…), and if we're unable to know the number two is in fact the number two then how could it be possible to assert that mathematics has any value outside of the purely theoretical? By instinct perhaps we feel as though the number two is the number two, and the number one is the number one, yes, the mathematical axioms may feel correct—yet the fact remains that we lack the perceptual faculties to distinguish two apples from one point nine repeating (1.99999999999…) apples. When we speak of the Essence of all things we don’t speak any differently—with the exception that our philosophy of an unknowable Essence seeks to put a strict limit on knowledge based on instinctive assumptions, whereas the philosophy of mathematics attempts to indefinitely expand our knowledge based on nothing more than an instinctive assumption, the instinctive assumption that we can successfully distinguish two apples from one point nine repeating (1.999999999999…) apples. 05—There’s no doubt that we’re in the midst of something essentially mysterious, that when we discuss the essence of life we think we can make sense of it all, that we’re on the precipice of making sense of ourselves and our surroundings, yet there’s still little doubt we remain in the midst of something essentially mysterious when we begin to think clearly. Thinking is perhaps the most mysterious act of all. Thinking, which we generally believe translates material and immaterial experience into language—into modes that are communicable. Thinking, which attempts to take something such as consuming a juicy pear, an experience that ultimately is confined to personal experience, and extrapolate it in a communicable format to the general populace. Sans thinking, consuming a juicy pear would be something confined to the private sphere—with thinking it’s then presumably allowed to enter the public domain. There is, in fact, no remaining public domain sans thinking—and there's in essence no thinking sans a public domain. Assuming we consume a juicy pear, thinking Wow, this pear is juicy, but refuse to write it down, to verbally express it to our peers, then the thought Wow, this pear is juicy remains in the purely immaterial realm, it’s existence purely speculative, both the thought and the physical experience remain essentially purely speculative. It’s only when the thought Wow, this pear is juicy enters the public domain that it becomes, perhaps not real, but at least apparent in a more material manner—it’s verified as a real experience and subsequently verified as a real thought. I too consumed a pear, and wow it was also quite juicy! There’s no doubt we’re in the midst of something essentially mysterious here. 06—It was just a few months ago, I dreamt an older female engaged me in a liaison, perhaps a sexual liaison—at first she was an older black woman, but then she became an older white woman, and, as she was white, as we sat in an automobile, I entered a hotel room to pay ninety two dollars for our room for the night, then I returned to the car. I was wearing a business suit and she wore business casual attire, there were two small dark, indecipherable forms sitting in the backseat, and she told me she had to go south of the Missouri now, and I replied You mean south of the Mississippi, right?—yet, even setting aside our geographical concerns, her statement struck me as something I already knew, that I knew she was leaving for good, and that her leaving would mark a new start for me, so to speak. When I woke up I felt as though, in an intensely odd and impalpable way, my entire life had followed the path of Eastern Orthodoxy—in a profound manner I felt this, I was wide awake in bed, gazing at a wall thinking my entire life has somehow tracked the tenets of the Eastern Orthodox, that this dream was equally corporeal to any waking experience I’ve had, and now, months later, I remain curious with regard to the identity of this multi-racial figure from my dream, who it seems engaged me in a sexual liaison? Despite affirming the mysterious nature of what we're in the midst of, I've never been a believer in angels and demons, so to speak—yet this figure from my dream, it seems to me, shared many characteristics with historical reports of so-called angels and demons. Of course, assuming it’s one of the two, which one of the two is it? An angel or a demon? Who were the dark, nearly formless figures in the backseat of the car? A person engages me in a sexual liaison, but at first is black, but then becomes white, then tells me she now has to go quote-unquote south of the Missouri, I correct her, and then I wake up with an intense feeling my life’s somehow followed the tenets of Eastern Orthodoxy—then, this dream's intensity sticking with me for weeks and even months on end, I question if the figure from my dream was perhaps a being of some metaphysical sort, perhaps an angel or perhaps a demon. I question whether perhaps an angel or perhaps a demon entered my dream to, in a quite serpentine way, point me in the direction of something—perhaps Eastern Orthodoxy. And I question if this is in fact possible. At almost any other time in my life I would have considered it an impossibility, something totally ludicrous, I’d have considered it an embarrassing absurdity to even suggest it. Whereas previously I would have sat and said I considered it to be an embarrassing absurdity and utter impossibility, now, for one reason or another, I actually consider it an embarrassing absurdity to find it utterly impossible. 07—Yet let me explain my thoughts on this issue just a little further, if I may? Because my thoughts on the topic expanded significantly just recently, as a matter of fact. It was just last Saturday, at a backyard cookout where I sat at a nice enough glass table next to a bottle of potato vodka imported from Poland, I was drinking the potato vodka from Poland in a small plastic glass with water and ice, and the potato vodka was smooth, quite smooth actually, when the person sitting across from me made a remark—he said that he just bought half a dozen pre-rolled blunts from a state-sanctioned dispensary, that he was planning to step on the sidewalk and light up one of these blunts, have a puff or two to relax, to which he offered me a puff too, if I wanted one. Well, as it so happened, at the time, despite my general ambivalence to marijuana, I considered it a decent idea. I figured I’d have one puff or two, tops, that maybe it would relax me. I figured, at the time, that a puff or two, tops, would have a minimal to moderate effect—yet when I went out to the sidewalk with this person to take a puff or two from his state-sanctioned blunt I’d discover that this weed retained a potency that perhaps I'd never encountered before. 08—The blunts were exquisitely rolled and tasted delicious, the first hit went down fine—yet as the blunt passed for a final time, against my better judgment, deep down acknowledging that the one hit was the correct amount of hits, that any subsequent hit would be a wholly superfluous hit, I decided to take a second hit, where immediately following my exhale I coughed vociferously. I coughed vociferously then just moments later time began, much to my surprise, proceeding in a highly abnormal manner. I found myself at a family cookout, and time was proceeding in a manner that struck me as entirely abnormal. I was lounging in a nondescript lawn chair, except now I found myself unable to experience the procession of time in our rudimentary, temperate manner. I jumped between disjointed scenes. People began speaking and it was almost as though a person hit fast forward on their speech. Then the speech would slow just momentarily. Additionally, I seemed entirely restricted from perceiving how people were perceiving me, I felt like I was extremely high, in fact I knew I was extremely high, and it wasn’t exactly the most appropriate venue to be that high—at a family cookout—yet I was restricted from perceiving how high I seemed to the outside world. At times it felt like I’d gained access to a cue that suggested everyone knew I was extremely high, yet this notion, that everyone knew I was extremely high, remained unproven, impossible to prove, it seemed. Because people would at times seem to be treating me as if I was hardly high at all, despite the fact that I could no longer experience time in a purely linear fashion. Essentially my own actions became entirely foreign to me—more than just being extremely high, I became disconcerted at the thought of what actions I could possibly be taking that caused the people around me to cease to view me as extremely high. 09—The only actions of my own I was still aware of were actions that seemed to me to be of a person clearly extremely high, so how could these actions be seen by rational actors to be coming from a person who was still experiencing time linearly? This was, at the time, a question sans an answer. In short, it wasn’t simply that I ceased to experience time in a normative fashion—it was the fact my exterior surroundings seemed to continue to recognize I passed through time in at least somewhat of a normative fashion. This was disconcerting, because one would assume, if you left the confines of normative time, that the people in your vicinity would recognize this fact—that you exited normative time. But in this case it was almost as if, yes—I was no longer present, I was experiencing time in an entirely asynchronous fashion, yet my surroundings still found me to be there, for the most part. I was, to the best of my perceptual faculties, existing in at least two places at once. At the family cookout, where most people were either slightly high or not high at all, and then also in a separate iteration of time, where I was jumping from period to period, indiscriminately. There's little doubt now that time, as we’re exposed to it, is only one of several iterations, yet how many iterations are there? It seems impossible for us to say—perhaps iterations is the wrong mode to discuss types of time. It’s entirely possible, in fact, that time perceives us inasmuch as we perceive it. Yet once we acknowledge this fact, that time has many iterations of producing itself, that time may in fact perceive us rather than us perceive it, then we can no longer blindly state that our dreams are just dreams—because it would seem to me that if time, in fact, takes many, if not infinite, iterations, then our dreams could in fact be entirely real, that they may just exist in different iterations of time. Our dreams could be entirely real experiences, just experienced in separate iterations of time. 10—Of course, rationally speaking, not that we should speak rationally, but rationally speaking we could question the merits of adhering to Eastern Orthodoxy generally. Of course we could reference the case of Chrysostomos Kalafatis, the Metropolitan of Smyrna, who unceremoniously had his beard ripped off by hand, his eyes gouged out, his nose and ears cut off and was subsequently masqueraded around the very city where he acted as a Metropolitan until he died from his injuries, from having his eyes, nose, and ears removed, all of this during the height of the Greco-Turkish war—as it seems safe to say that Eastern Orthodoxy, to some extent, didn't fare Chrysostomos well in the end, at least from a materialist point of view. It’s a small sample size yet it’s compelling to an extent, and of course the sample is substantially larger when we consider the plight of the Orthodox population of Anatolia as a whole. The truth is the Orthodox haven’t fared incredibly well in the Near East over the past, give or take, one thousand years or so, we could even say that following the path of Eastern Orthodoxy has perhaps been extremely fraught with peril in certain regions of the Eastern Mediterranean. We shouldn't speak rationally or logically, yet if we were to take the case of, say, for example, the concept of The One, the being that conceptually precedes being, that exists in all aspects of time, but also fundamentally must exist outside of time, to a certain extent we would almost need to entirely reconstruct our conception of time to even remotely be able to conceive of a Being of that nature. Not to say that we could ever conceive a Being of that nature in its essence, yet to even approach a conception—if logic leads us to a First Principle that exists within and outside of time, then our conception of time is essentially absurdist. We would need to reconstruct this conception of time as something we exist exclusively within, that contains us in a linear fashion, that perhaps perceives us in a so-called linear fashion, because if we are in fact extensions of this One who must by necessity exist both within and outside of time, then there must exist a portion of us, as extensions of the One, that experiences time in this fashion, which is of course an essentially absurdist manner of conceiving of time. 11—I can’t think of a thing more absurd than conceiving time in a solely linear fashion. It seems just—I don’t know—totally ridiculous to assume time proceeds in a purely linear fashion, that time wouldn’t proceed in whatever fashion it chooses, that time, eternal as it is, would need us to perceive it, as opposed to vice versa, or even to assume that time proceeds at all, that, if it chose to proceed, that it wouldn’t proceed in the fashion of, say, adding percentages as opposed to integers. I engaged in a sexual liaison with an older female, who at first was black, then became white, then informed me that she had to go south of the Missouri, after I’d paid ninety two dollars for a hotel room for the two of us, as we sat in the medium-sized sedan, with two small and formless dark beings sitting in the back. I partook in the smoking of a sizable blunt that a friend of mine purchased from a local dispensary, and after taking a mere two hits from this blunt I found myself inadvisably high at a family function, experiencing time in a spurious fashion, in a fashion where I was, on the one hand, apparently present at the party, yet simultaneously engaging passively in a form of time that wasn’t present at the party—so I suppose it to be possible that at the time I existed at two places at once. Yet as foolish as this may sound, we should note that even Dionysius said, and I quote, ‘it may be said to be praising God for his foolishness, which in itself seems absurd and strange, but this foolishness uplifts us to the ineffable truth which is there before all reasoning.’ Because it would stand to reason that if reason itself is incapable of ascertaining these so-called divine notions, then perhaps it’s only idiocy that remains capable of comprehending these historically divine notions, of time, of being, of placement, of First Causes. 12—Perhaps what we need is a rigorous idiocy. It’s entirely possible, as I’m now thinking about it, that with regard to these notions we should employ nothing except a rigorous idiocy, that reason and sound logic have absolutely no place here, in the realm of metaphysics. That in order to wrap our minds around these ideas, like being in two places at once, of being both within and outside of time, of time being essentially non-linear as much as it’s essentially linear, of time perceiving us as much as we perceive it, that we must become more idiotic than we’ve ever been, that if we continue to attempt to pass ourselves off as intelligent—well, we’ll continue to flounder in the stochastic breezes that ripple around these concepts. Sans idiocy, these concepts will continue to exist in a shroud of mystery, not that they can ever be known fully, that's unlikely, it’s more or less impossible, but if we employ the proper amount of idiocy, of rigorous idiocy, it’s possible that the mystery these concepts are shrouded in could be ameliorated to a degree. We conceptualize a First Cause, a One, a concept that may, in fact, be necessary for our species to exist, at least socially, it very well could be the case that we can only exist logically with this idea of First Cause or One preceding us. Otherwise, sans First Cause, sans a Beginning, we hardly have an argument for linear time, and if we’re deprived of a logical argument for linear time, then how can we make sense of anything? It’s impossible to make sense of anything, in the traditional sense, sans linear time. If time fails to proceed linearly, at least for us, if we’re hopping and skipping willy nilly in the fabric of time, in purely nonlinear manners, then nothing can make sense for us. We’re literally senseless. Sans a First Cause, we're literally senseless. Time means nothing. Time, it seems to me, is something that one can only investigate idiotically. 13—Or am I just being silly? Am I simply succumbing to a specific type of silliness, as I’m apt to do from time to time? Most, it should be noted, who know me know me to be prone to succumbing to silliness from time to time? Am I being melodramatic by extrapolating my intense impression following my waking up from my dream, am I melodramatically extrapolating that impression just a little too far by implying this female, who engaged me in a sexual liaison, might have been an angel or a demon? Yet on the other hand I should note this, it was actually quite some time ago, so long ago in fact that I was practically, now that I think of it, more or less an adolescent, despite being a fully grown man. At the time I was looking for apartments with my father—the first apartment I’d lease on my own, and we were downtown, the two of us, looking at an apartment I didn't realize at the time was rent-controlled, meaning arbitrary caps were placed on the income of the tenants in order to retain eligibility, which of course was the reason why the apartments were such a great deal. Luckily enough for me my salary at that time was insufficient and paltry, so I still managed to qualify for the apartment despite the rent control requirements, had I waited the time necessary for one to become available, but, while I did add my name to the waitlist, I didn't wait the time necessary, because I signed a lease on an apartment three miles north of downtown less than a week later. I was standing in a quarter-empty parking lot in an area of downtown where no less than half a dozen privately owned parking lots sat side by side by side, all with reasonable short-term rates. This particular area of downtown, at that point in time, was a fruitful area socially—there were a plethora of vibrant bars and restaurants, also side by side by side, that myself and others enjoyed frequenting, that were routinely packed from afternoon to evening. Now, by comparison, if you walk through that same area of downtown, by my count, more than half of those bars and restaurants are shut down for good. Whereas I used to frequent that part of downtown, hopping between two or three or four venues, having a fruitful experience socially—now it's almost as if that area of downtown has aged right along with me. As my social activity has waned, at least with regard to hopping from bar to bar, the activity of this section of downtown has waned as well. As I've become less likely to pop out on a Wednesday afternoon to two or three or four places, this area of downtown has been unable to sustain businesses that used to thrive on people popping out on Wednesday afternoons, hopping from two or three or four places. 14—There are, in fact, hardly any bars or restaurants that are still open on the block. There’s been a gargantuan For Lease sign on the largest venue for years now, and the places that should be open for business on a late weekday afternoon are no longer open for business on late weekday afternoons, whereas in previous years every bar and restaurant on the block would have been bustling with businessmen, eccentrics, and alcoholics, now these same venues don’t even open their doors until later at night, if at all. I’ve walked through that block multiple times hoping to pop into just one old bar or one old restaurant for just one drink, and I’ve discovered every single bar that’s stayed in business on that block closed to customers at that time. A bar in a business district really has no excuse for not being open by four pm on a weekday. It’s absurd for a bar in a business district to be closed for business at that time, yet that's exactly what's happened to this block, it's now a dead block, it's a block that's more or less officially deceased socially. In any case, years ago, when I was looking for my first apartment with my dad, standing in a quarter-empty parking lot on this very block, I sent a text message to a younger girl I used to flirt with—although we never engaged in a sexual liaison, but there was perhaps a shared interest for a short period, perhaps we both came to the conclusion engaging in a sexual liaison, although tempting, was ill-advised, that for once in the course of human history people should refrain from engaging in any sort of ill-advised liaison, so we developed a friendship of sorts. It was a shallow friendship, as most friendships that result from staved off sexual liaisons tend to be, these are of course the most shallow and insipid friendships imaginable, they’re interminable and asinine, but this particular friendship was rewarding in its own way. So sure, around this time, in this parking lot, I sent her a text message to no reply, and I knew then, somehow or another, instinctually I suppose I knew that I wouldn’t get a reply, that the friendship had run its course, that it’s purely shallow and insipid nature was abundantly evident to the two of us, and that the other party, this younger girl, had taken it upon herself to sever the friendship once and for all. I've ceased to communicate with her since, yet despite the ultimately shallow and insipid nature of this friendship, despite the fact we never crossed the line, so to speak, for some reason I felt a sort of nonsensical deep hurt, a painful longing of sorts, rooted in essentially nothing, standing in that parking lot, knowing I'd never hear from this person again, who I had no physical relationship with and who I had an entirely shallow and insipid emotional relationship with. 15—It wasn't that long ago that I was reminded of this text message randomly, I’d nearly entirely removed this person from my memory, just as years prior she’d similarly removed me from her memory, and I felt an odd pang in my stomach as I recalled this text message. Wasn't the entire point of turning away from engaging in these sexual liaisons to avoid such pangs? Don't we all just inveterately assume that pangs in our stomachs almost exclusively result from sexual liaisons? And don’t we all then avoid sexual liaisons purely in attempts to avoid pangs in our stomachs? Yet in this case, a person I maturely avoided engaging with sexually, and vice versa, of course, who I instead developed a completely shallow and insipid friendship with, ended up causing me a pang in my stomach, all because I sent her a text message to no reply, knowing the ankle deep friendship we’d harbored had run its course and come to a conclusion. My point in all this is that the first objection the average person would raise to identifying the being in my dream as an angel would be the fact the two of us engaged in a sexual liaison—yet what I’ve just described suggests that perhaps there's no difference in our relationships with people, that we can't discriminate between relationships based on whether or not a sexual liaison occurred. That perhaps distinguishing relationships based on whether or not they feature a sexual exchange has been a gross error on our part. That perhaps we shouldn't a priori assert that angels don't engage in sexual liaisons with us. Because it’s entirely possible they do, and that there’s really nothing wrong with an angel engaging us in this type of liaison, sexually. 16—So we can’t rule out entirely the possibility that this being—despite engaging me in a sexual liaison, in a small plethora of racial forms—was still, in fact, an angel pointing me toward the fact my life, in large part, followed the path of Eastern Orthodoxy. The mathematician, attempting to infinitely extrapolate the massive assumptions that are real world integers, is, in essence, a complete charlatan. For eons we've assumed sexual relations taint relationships, that once a sexual line is crossed, then the relationship will be irrevocably tainted, yet we’ve never considered that tainting can and will occur even sans sex. Yet perhaps we’re making too much of the alleged distinction between angels and demons as well. That just as perhaps we’ve made too much of the distinction between sexual and non-sexual relations, we're now making too much of the distinction between angels and demons. It should be noted that even Dionysius noted that pure evil, if it were to exist, would immediately cease to exist, because everything that exists is derivative of the One, which is incapable of producing pure evil, and that even relative evil is simply a function of pursuing aims inappropriate to a being's proper function, that even demons are only demonic in their distance from the One, not in a sense of representing pure evil, because were they to be pure evil they would cease to exist. Essentially, this view purports that there’s no fundamental distinction between an angel and a demon, just a difference in the appropriateness of their aims. Whereas an angel pursues the aims appropriate to it, in the proper proportion to its being, a demon pursues the aims more or less inappropriate to it, straying from its proper proportions. 17—Now as it regards my dream, a being took multiple racial forms yet retained the same essence, much like our dual yet monist formulation, and then there were two dark and formless beings in the backseat—perhaps signifying the evil that’s impossible to exist, that is stripped of being as soon as it becomes so-called pure evil. So perhaps these two dark formless beings were the non-existent iterations of myself and my companion, possibly an angel. Now this being, perhaps an angel, or perhaps a demon, who took multiple racial forms, eventually informed me, in this car with the two small shapeless forms sitting in the backseat, that she had to go south of the Missouri, to which I corrected her: Don't you mean south of the Mississippi? Yet we should now consider that perhaps my correction was, in the context of the dream, entirely incorrect. By employing the phrase South of the Missouri this being was perhaps directly implying that there are no neat distinctions—that duality is an illusion, that this idea that a state can be neatly divided by a Mississippi is a misguided approach, that this being, whether an angel or demon, in fact wouldn’t emerge on some other side precisely because there is no actual other side, there’s only a separate relative place. And when I woke up, I felt as though my life had always followed the path of Eastern Orthodoxy, but in this embrace I was accepting the non-dual nature of our existence inasmuch as I was accepting anything else. I embraced Eastern Orthodoxy after engaging in a sexual liaison with a being who took multiple racial forms, who left me to settle, not south of the Mississippi, but rather south of the Missouri—and opposite of the both of us were two small dark forms who completely lacked Being, signifying the impossibility of pure evil. My dream appropriately reproached this idea of true duality, of pure good and pure evil, replacing this absolute duality with a relative duality within the One, of which all Good and all Being originates, both in transcendence and immanence. I then reconciled myself with this being that went south of the Missouri—and perhaps this being wasn't leaving me as much as guiding me, giving me hints not on where to go, no, she wasn't saying where I should go or stay, she was instead guiding me on how to read a map. 18—Even Dionysius stated outright, ‘One says of God, the cause of all good, that he is “inebriated”’—and with that in mind, against my better judgment, I poured myself a nice glass of vodka last Saturday before my girlfriend and I dined out, knowing all too well that we planned to go to the bar prior to our reservation, for a cocktail. My significant other agreed to act as our designated driver for the night, and I’d spent the entire week abstaining from every consumable item except water, coffee, hearty grains, and frozen vegetables, and I felt as though I deserved a nice, inebriated night. I said to myself You know what?—you’ve rigorously denied yourself pleasure this week, and you deserve a night where you go out and get white girl wasted. So I imbibed a cocktail before the cocktail, and when we arrived at the bar, waiting for our friends to meet us, we tried to prolong the cocktail and make a perfect segway into the dinner—unfortunately, I’d finished my cocktail first, and incorrectly assuming I had another ten to fifteen minutes before our friends arrived, so I ordered a second cocktail, yet as soon as the second cocktail arrived our friends also arrived, and then we were sat at the table where, needless to say, we immediately ordered a nice bottle of red wine. So rather than savoring my second cocktail at the bar and then beginning our bottle of wine, I was concurrently finishing my second cocktail while also starting our bottle of wine. Before I knew it I was thoroughly drunk, I became enthusiastically inebriated, and I felt as though I deserved it—I felt as though I deserved to be inebriated, to comment upon a small handful of topics that I probably should have remained silent about, to babble about and upon a potpourri of issues that perhaps would have been better left unaddressed. But sometimes it’s important to do things solely out of abundance, to become completely inebriated, to lose all touch with coherency and restraint, and to engage in a completely misguided conversation purely out of abundance. The First Cause, no matter what form we give it, no matter how its extensions may or may not communicate with us—is if nothing else superabundant.
The Number 1.99999 Repeating: Bracketed Text
01— 614:793 .774
We hadn’t [b]een there n[i]nety [s]e[c]onds, [b]e[c]ause it [w]as r[i]ght as [w]e [w]al[k]ed in the [b][a][ck]yard of the h[i]gh [s][c]hool [g]r[a]du[a]tio[n] [p]arty th[a]t her [c]ousin a[pp]roached u[s] and, wi[th]out [th]e [s]l[i]ghte[s]t hesit[a]tio[n], a[s]ked my [g]irl[f]riend r[i]ght to her [f][a][c]e—D[i]d you br[i]ng my [t]u[p]per[w]are [w][i]th you? It [t]oo[k] [p]erha[p]s longer than I [c]are to [c]on[f]e[s]s to [f]ully [r]e[c]ognize [w]hat exa[c]tl[y] it [w]as sh[e] [w]as [r]e[f]e[r]en[c]ing. Oh, the oxt[ai]l, I [r]e[f][l][e][c]ted, a [s][e][c]ond or [s]o [l][a]ter, as I [r]e[c]alled there [b][e]ing a [b]eauti[f]ul, [w]ood-[c]overed, [p][ie][c]e of gla[s]s of tu[pp]er[w]are [s][i]tt[i]ng [i]n ou[r] [r]e[f]r[i]gerato[r] [f]o[r] ove[r] a [w]ee[k], i[n]cub[a]ti[n]g a[n] oxt[ai]l dish th[a]t h[a]d, u[n][f]ortunate[l][y], [t]o[t]a[l]l[y] ex[p]ired—it was so [f]ar gone I was h[e]si[t]a[n]t [t]o eve[n] o[p]e[n] the [t]o[p] of the [t]u[pp]e[r]wa[r]e [c]on[t]aine[r], [d]es[p]ite the [f]a[c]t the [t]o[p] of the [c]on[t]ainer was a bea[u]ti[f]ul, wood [f][i]n[i]shed [p]iece. There was [n]o [d]oubt in [m][y] [m][i]nd [th]at [th]is oxtail was, [a]t th[a]t [p]oint, [n]ot just [c]om[p]l[e]te[l][y] [e]x[p]ired but [e]ssential[l][y] a ty[p]e of m[ea]t sou[p], a ty[p]e of l[i][q]u[i]fied [c]o[r][p][s]e, wh[i]ch of [c]ou[r][s]e di[s]gu[s]ted m[e] [s]ev[e]rel[y]. [C]l[ea]ning it out [s]t[r]u[ck] m[e] as a g[r]ote[s][q]ue idea. I [c]an't [s]ay for [c]ertain, but it'[s] more [l]i[k]e[l]y [th]an not [th]at I [th][r]ew [i]t [i]n[t]o the [t][r]ash—[t]u[pp]er[w]are, [w]ood [t][o][p], and [o]x[t]ail. '[O]h, [s][o] [s]orry, I'll [d]ef[i]n[i]tely [b]r[i]ng [i]t [b]ack [s]oon!' she [s]aid, [a]nd I gl[a]n[c]ed [a]t her [a]nd a[tt][e]m[p][t]ed [t]o [d][e][c][i][ph]er i[f] she had [a]ny [i][d]ea the [t]u[pp]er[w]are [a]nd the ox[t]ail [w]ere [b]oth l[o]ng g[o]ne, th[a]t [b]oth now [s][a]t in a gar[b]age hea[p], a [p]ile of tr[a]sh [s]omewhere, at the [b]ottom of a [p]u[b]li[c] [d]um[p], [s]t[i][ll] f[i][ll]ed w[i]th [d]e[c]ayed, gro[t]e[s][q]ue ox[t]ail, [a]nd th[a]t her [c]ousin would ne[v]er again [o]wn the [p]r[i][v]i[l][e]ge of [p][l]a[c]ing her [l]e[f]t[o][v]ers in[t]o that [p]ie[c]e of [t]u[pp]er[w]are [w]ith the beauti[f]ul [w]ood [c]o[v]er. That [t]u[p]per[w]are [w]as [f][i]n[i]shed. Having [s]aid that, [e]v[e]n the [f]in[e][s]t [p][ie][c]e of [t]u[pp]erware—how [p][r]ec[i]ous [i]s [i]t [r][ea]ll[y]? [C]ouldn’t we [r]e[p]la[c]e it [f]or [f]ive do[ll]ars or [l]e[ss]? My thin[k]ing at the [t]ime was ye[s], [th]at [th]e [t]u[pp]er[w]are [w]as en[t]irely [f]un[g]ible, yet as [s][oo]n as we [s]te[pp]ed [f]oot int[o] this [h]igh [s]ch[oo]l [g]raduation [p]arty [h]er [c]ousin in[q]uired a[b]out the [t]u[pp]er[w]are—as [i]f th[i]s [t]u[pp]er[w]are [p]erha[p]s [b]elonged to [s]ome [s]ort of rare [s][p]e[c]ies of [t]u[pp]er[w]are, [p]erha[p]s a [s][p][e][c]i[e]s of [t]u[pp]erware on the verge of ex[t][i]nct[i]on, [p]erha[p]s this [w]as [s]ome [k]ind [o]f [o]ne-[o]f-a-[k]ind [t]u[pp]erware I non[ch][a]l[a]ntly [t]o[s]sed in[t]o a [p]ile of [t]ra[sh]. [S]o[m]e [p]eo[p]le h[a]ve [m][a]ssive a[m][ou]nts [o]f re[s][p][e]ct for tu[pp]er[w]are, [b]ut I've n[e]ver [b]een [o]ne of them, It al[w]ays e[l]u[d]ed [m]e [w]hy a[n]yo[n]e [w]ould i[n]vest [m]ore than [o]ne [d]o[ll]ar i[n][t]o a [p]ie[c]e of [t]u[pp]er[w]are, [p]er[s]ona[ll]y. [T]o [m][y] [m][i]nd, if a [p]iece of tu[pp]erware, no [m][a]tter the level of cr[a]fts[m][a]nshi[p], is [p]ri[c]ed ab[o]ve [o]ne dollar, then it'[s] an over[p]ri[c]ed [p]ie[c]e of tu[pp]erware. It'[s] ju[s]t not an [i]tem [I]'ve [p]er[s]onally e[v]er [v]iewed [a]s [a]n in[v]e[s]tment of [a]ny kind. In [m][y] [m][i]nd, [p][l]ates and bowls are re[l]ati[v]e[l]y [w]orth[w]hile in[v]est[m]ents, [w]hile tu[pp]er[w]are is e[ss]entia[ll]y a [c]a[p]ita[l]i[s]t [p][l]oy to in[c]rea[s]e the [p]rofit margin on [p][l][a][s]ti[c] [b][a]gs—to [c]on[v]in[c]e [p]eo[p]le they shouldn’t [o]n[l]y [i][n][v]e[s]t [i][n] [p][l]ates and b[o]wls, [b]ut al[s]o [i][n]ve[s]t [i][n] the highe[s]t [q]ua[l]ity [p][l][a][s]tic [b][a]gs ([t]u[p]perware), [th]at in [th]eory [th]ey’ll use [a]g[ai]n and [a]g[ai]n, [b]ut [i][n] [p]ra[c]ti[c]e they’ll [l]ose [i][n][c]e[ss]ant[l][y] and [c]on[s]tant[l][y] have to re[p][l]a[c]e.
02— 696:817 .852
‘She’s n[e]v[e]r g[e]tting that [t]upp[e]rware b[a]ck,’ I [s]aid. ‘Y[ou] th[r][ew] it in the [t][r][a]sh?’ she [s]aid. ‘You g[a]ve the o[k][ay]?’ I [s][ai][[d], to which [sh]e [sh]oo[k] [h]er [h][ea][d], [c][l]ear[l][y] [m]i[s][r]e[m][e]mb[e]ring the [p][l][e]tho[r]a of [t]imes [w][e]'ve thrown out [t]u[pp]er[w]are in the [p]a[s]t, the [c]oun[t][l]e[s]s [t][i]mes [I]’ve [s][ee]n a [p][ie][c]e of [w]ell-[w]orn [t]u[pp]er[w]are [t]a[k]ing u[p] [s][p]a[c]e [i]n our [r]e[f]r[i]ge[r]ator, a[s]ked her i[f] I [c]ould th[r]ow [s]aid [t]u[pp]er[w]are out, [r]e[c]eived a[pp][r]oval to th[r]ow [s]aid [t]u[pp]er[w]are [ou]t, and th[r]own [ou]t [s]aid [t]u[pp]er[w]are. It’s n[o]t a [p]r[o][b]lem, I [s]aid, we can [p][r][o][b]a[b]ly ju[s]t [b]uy her a [r]e[p]la[c]e[m]ent or [s]o[m]ething. Sh[e] ag[r][ee]d [b]ut [s][ee]med du[b][i]ou[s], and I [f]elt the [s]ame, I [f]ound [m]y[s]el[f] a[g][r]eeing with [b][o]th [m]y[s]el[f] and [m]y [g]irl[f][r]iend, [d]e[s][p]ite the [f]a[c]t we had [d]ia[m]e[t][r]i[c]ally o[pp][o]sed views on this [t]u[pp]erware. My [g]irl[f][r]ie[n]d a[n]d I di[s][a][g][r][ee]d on our [a][b]i[l]it[y] to re[p][l]a[c]e this tu[pp]er[w]are, and I [a][g]r[ee]d [w]ith [b]oth of u[s]. I [s]at i[n] a [l]awn chair a [s]e[c]o[n]d or [s]o [l]ater, drin[k]ing a g[l]a[ss] of [S]oju, [e]x[p][l]i[c]it[l]y [a][t]tem[p][t]ing [t]o [a]void a[n][y] u[n]ne[c]e[ss]a[r][y] i[n]te[r][a][c][ti]on [a]t thi[s] [h]igh [s]chool g[r]adua[ti]on until [I]'d im[b][i]bed at [l]ea[s]t [h]alf this [b]ottle of [S]oju, doubt[i]ng my [a][b][i][l][i]t[y] to [c]ome off [a][pp]ro[p]riate[l][y] [c]ordi[al] in a [s]oci[al] [s]etting [s]an[s] a [m][i]n[i][m][u]m [o]f half [o]f [a] [b][o]ttle [o]f thi[s] [S]oj[u] [r][u]th[l]e[ss][l]y [p]er[c]o[l]ating thr[ou]gh my [b][l]ood[s]t[r]eam. I [s]at there, [c]on[t]em[p][l][a]ting h[i]gh [s][c]hool [g]radu[a]tions, [c]on[t]em[p]l[a]ting my own h[i]gh [s][c]hool [g][r]adu[a]tion, [r]e[c]allin[g] nothin[g] of m[y] h[i]gh [s][c]hool [g][r]adu[a]t[i]on, [c]ontem[p]l[a]t[i]ng the [p]erv[a][s][i]ve [i]di[o][c]y of or[g]anized edu[c][a]t[i]on, [c]on[s]idering how more or l[e]ss [e]ver[y] u[n][i][q]ue thin[k]er—from [S]o[c]r[a][t]es [s][t]oned by the [A]the[n]ians to Giorda[n][o] [B]ru[n][o] [b]urnt a[l][i]ve [b][y] the [C]atho[l]i[c] [ch]ur[ch] to [N]ietzs[ch][e] un[r][ea]d a[n]d i[n] a[n] i[n][s]ane a[s]y[l]um as he [r][o]tted [a]way—y[e]s, [e]ve[r][y] un[i][q]ue thin[k]e[r] ove[r] the [c]our[s]e of [h]uman [h]i[s]to[r][y] was either inten[s]e[l][y] o[s]t[r]a[c]ized or [s]impl[y] a[ss]a[ss]in[a]ted by the [s]y[s]temati[c] edu[c][a]tors of [h]is or [h]er d[a]y. In short, I was vo[c][i][f]er[ou]sly dr[i]n[k][i]ng th[i][s] gla[ss] of [S]oju when [I] thought to m[y][s]el[f]—[I]sn’t [i]t po[ss][i]ble [th]at we [th]ink of [th]e [th]eo[l][o]g[i][c]al [ph][i][l]o[s][o][ph]ers as the [c]o[n][s]ervatives, as the ones [r]e[s]t[r]ained by thi[s] [s]o-[c]alled [c]o[n][c]eption of God, yet it’[s] a[c]tually the [c]a[s]e [th]at [th]e [th]eo[l][o]g[i][c]al [ph][i][l][o]so[ph]ers, over the [c]our[s]e of [h]u[m]an [h]i[s]tory, are the [m]o[s]t au[d]acious, the [b]ol[d]est [ph]iloso[ph]ers we [h]ave and [h]a[v]e e[v]er [h]ad? How [e][l]se can we [e]xp[l]ain [B]er[k]e[l]ey, I thought—[ea]sil[y] the [m]ost ra[d]i[c]al s[k][e][p]t[i][c] the [m]o[d]ern W[e]st h[a]s [p][r]odu[c]ed, yet al[s]o a [C]atholi[c] [p][r]ie[s]t? [D]iony[s]iu[s], for ex[a]m[p]le, was [a]ctually [q]uite v[i]gor[ou][s] [i]n h[i]s [s][k]e[p]ti[c]i[s]m of our [a]b[i]l[i]t[y] to k[n]ow a[n][y]thing, his [c]ir[c]um[l]o[c]utions were [a][c]tua[ll]y [q]uite r[a]di[c]al. [W]hereas our typi[c]al [s]e[c]ular athei[s]t [ph]i[l]o[s]o[ph]er, [w]hile [a]ssured of our [a]b[i][l][i]ty to k[n][o]w the[r]e a[r]e [n][o] Gods, is rather neutered [i]n h[i]s [ph][i][l]o[s]o[ph][i][c]al [s][p]e[c]u[l]ations [i][f] the [f][a]ct th[a]t God [d]oesn’t ex[i]st [i]s le[f]t to the si[d]e. [I]sn't [i]t [p]o[ss][i]ble [th]at [th]e [s][o]-[c]alled theo[l][o]g[i][c]al [ph][i][l][o][s]o[ph]ers are the m[o][s]t [a]udacious [a]mong [u]s? The [o]nes who are [w]illing [t]o [t]a[k]e the [p]ro[p]er[l]y [r]a[d]i[c]al [l][ea][p]s ne[c]e[ss]a[r]y [w]hen [d][ea][l]ing [w][i]th meta[ph][y]s[i][c]s, I thought [w]hile vo[c][i][f]er[ou][s][l][y] dr[i]n[k][i]ng th[i]s bottle of [S]oju, un[w]i[ll]ing to [s][p]ea[k] to [a]nyone [a]t this high [s][c]hool gradu[a]t[i]on un[t]il I had [th]orough[l]y [c]on[t]em[p][l][a]t[e]d the [t]rue n[a]ture of [th]e [th]eo[l][o]g[i][c]al [ph][i][l][o]so[ph]er.
03— 889:1181 .753
How [e]lse can we [e]xplain [K]i[e]r[k][e]gaard? The [s]e[c]u[l]ar [ph]i[l]o[s]o[ph]ers tal[k] our ears [o][ff] a[n]d [m]ore [o][f]ten than [n][o]t [s]ay [n]othing [b]ey[o]nd what [th]eir [th]e[s]is a[d]visors [d]e[m]and [t]o [b]e [p][r]in[t]ed, I thought, vo[c][i]fero[u][s]ly d[r][i]nk[i]ng th[i][s] bottle of [S]oju, while [th]e a[p]ex of [th]e [th]eo[l][o]g[i][c]al [ph][i][l][o][s]o[ph]er tru[l]y e[n][a][c]t[s] the [n]otion of [ph]i[l]o[s]o[ph]izing with a h[a]mmer? Y[e]t, in ou[r] [e][r]a, it [s][ee]ms w[e] more or [l]e[ss] di[s]mi[ss] all [ph]i[l]o[s]o[ph]ers wh[o] ch[oo]se t[o] be[l][ie]ve in God, I thought. [I]s [i]t then po[ss]ible, [I] thought, dr[i]nk[i]ng m[y] [S]oju, vo[c][i]fero[u]sly, that [b]e[c]ause [th]e [th]eo[l][o]g[i][c]al [ph][i][l][o][s]o[ph]ers have [b]een e[ss]en[ti]a[l]l[y] [sh]unned from the [m]o[d]ern a[c]a[d]e[m][y], that the [m]ere [m]en[ti]on of God is [a]n[a]the[m]a to the [m]o[d]ern [a]c[a][d]e[m]y, that [b]e[c]ause [th]e [th]eol[o]g[i][c]al [ph][i]l[o]so[ph]er [h]as [b]een [h]o[l][i][s]t[i][c]a[l]ly [b]anned from parta[k]ing in the [m]o[d]ern [s]o-[c]alled a[c]a[d]e[m]y, our [m]o[d]ern organized e[d]ucators, [th]at [th]ey’ve [th]erefore [m]a[n]aged to [m]a[n]eu[v]er out[s][i]de of the [s]t[i]fling bu[r]eauc[r]a[c][y] of the uni[v]er[s]it[y]—[a]nd [a][c]tuall[y] engaged with o[r][i]g[i]nal thought? Should we [c]on[s][i]der that po[ss][i]ble? [Th]at [th]ey [e][c]ho [e]ar[l][y] [C]h[r]istia[n] [th]eo[l]ogia[n]s, [p]erse[c]uted by [p]aga[n] [R]oma[n] autho[r]iti[e]s, who [c][r]e[a]t[e]d e[l]aborate [f][r]amewor[k][s] that [f]ormed the [s]ui gene[r]i[s] [m]eta[ph][y]s[i][c]al [f]ound[a]ti[o]n of early Ch[r]istian thought, a [s]ui ge[n]eri[s] [s]ynthe[s]i[s] of the [c]a][n][o][n]i[c]al G[o][s][p]els with [N]eo[p][l]at[o]ni[c] [th][ou]ght, [th]at [o]ur [m]o[d]ern [th]eo[l]ogia[n]s, [a]l[m]ost [r]egardless of de[n]o[m]i[n]atio[n], [p][r]o[s]e[c]uted [b]y the athei[s]t univer[s]ity [b]u[r]eau[c][r]ats, are [w]ork[i]ng [w][i]th[i]n [p]erh[a][p][s] [s][i]m[i][l]ar[l]y [r][a]di[c]al [f]r[a]me[w]or[k][s]? [A][f]ter all, [s]e[c]u[l]ar [a][c]ademi[c] [ph]i[l]o[s]o[ph]ers are [l]oath to [s]p[e][c]u[l]ate on m[u]ch [o]f [a]nything in ou[r] [e][r]a. In their [p][l]a[c]e we have theoret[i][c]al [ph][y]s[i][c][i][s]ts who em[p][l]oy [c]om[p][l]ex [m]athe[m]ati[c]s to [p]rove the [s]u[s]ce[p]tib[i][l][i]ty of [c]om[p][l]ex [m]athe[m]atics to al[m]ost an[y] ty[p]e of [s]o[ph][i]str[y]. [F][r]an[k]l[y], I’[v]e n[e][v]er [r]es[p][e][c]ted [m]athe[m]ati[ci]ans, I [sh]ould ad[m]it that [m][u]ch [u][p][f][r]ont. I [s]u[p]p[o]se, in my [o]wn [w][a]y, I've al[w][a]ys viewed [m]athe[m]ati[ci]ans as e[s]sen[ti]a[ll]y [ch]ar[l]atans. I view the art of [m]athe[m]ati[c]s as [n]ot only [d]e[c]a[d]ent, but I al[s]o view the [c]on[c]ept of [n]umber as a[n] e[ss]e[n]tia[ll]y [m]eta[ph][y]s[i][c]al [d]o[m]ain. The [m]athe[m]at[i]c[i]an’s [f]or[m]ulas [a]re [a]lways de[r][i]vat[i]ve of the nu[m]e[r]i[c]al axio[m]s of [m]eta[ph]ysi[c]s—it's always [s]t[r]u[c]k me as e[n]tirely [p]o[ss]i[b]le that [n]um[b]ers are an [i]m[p]o[ss]i[b]ility. [Th]at [th]e [i]ntro[d]u[c]ti[o]n [o]f the [d]ecimal [p]oint, of the fra[c]ti[o]n, e[ss]entia[l]ly [s][a]n[k] [m]athe[m][a]ti[c]s right [i]n [i]ts [p]la[c]e, in m[y] e[y]es at [l]ea[s]t. Of [c]ourse, I’m at [b]ottom a [d]i[s]ci[p]le of [P]a[l]amas, for [c]e[r]tai[n], I was ina[d]ve[r]te[n]t[l]y [b]a[p]tized as a [d]i[s]ci[p]le of [P]a[l]a[m]as, of [c]our[s]e, I [f]un[d]a[m]entally [d]i[s]agree w[i]th th[i][s] [m]o[d]ern i[d]ea th[a]t we [c][a]n [c]om[p]reh[e]nd [e]verything in a [p]ure[l]y inte[ll]e[c]tual [f]ashion, [th]is [n][o]tion [th]at [th]ere’s, [i]n pra[c]t[i]ce, [n][o] [l][i][m][i]t to the hu[m]an [i]nte[l]le[c]t. I f[i]nd that [i]dea to be [o]ne [o]f the mo[s]t [a][b][s]o[l]ute[l]y [a][b][s]urd. Sure, of [c]our[s]e, we [c]an r[ea][d], [s]ay, [P]arme[n][i][d]es and, while [i]t’s [i]m[p]re[ss]ive, it’s [a]lso entirel[y] [a]b[s]urd, and I [p]er[s]o[n]a[ll][y] enjoy [i]t [i][mm][e]nse[l][y], [b]ut on those [m][e]rits. [I]’m not sure [I]’d [b]a[s]e my [s]c[i]ent[i]f[i]c thought on it. I'm at [l]ea[s]t [l]e[ss] than [c]ertain it’d [b]e[c]ome the [c]orner[s]tone of my [s][e][c]u[l]ar inte[ll][e][c]tual [p]ur[s]uits. [P]armen[i]d[e]s is one of the [p]e[r][f]e[c]t wo[r][k]s of ab[s]u[r]d[i][s]t [f][i][c]t[i]on wr[i]tt[e]n [i]n any lang[u]age—and if w[e] [i]nd[ee]d ma[d]e it a [c]or[n]er[s]tone of our [s][e][c]u[l]ar i[n]te[ll][e][c]tual pur[s]uits, then at [l][ea]st w[e]’[d] [n][ee][d] to [r]e[c]ogn[i]ze our ab[s]ur[d][i]st or[i]g[i]ns, as [D]io[n]y[s]ius [r][i]ghtfull[y] [d]oes. Y[e]t we’ve [e]m[p]loyed [P]ar[m]e[n][i]d[e]s for [c]entur[ie]s as a funda[m]e[n]tal co[mm]e[n]tar[y] on a[ll][e]g[e]d[l][y] ra[ti]o[n]a[l]i[s]t [n]o[ti]ons. A[ll][e]g[e]dly ra[ti]o[n]a[l]ist [n]o[ti]ons—[i]s th[i]s not [w]hat [w]e find our[s]elves [s]teeped in, mo[r]e o[r] le[s]s [n]ight and [d]ay? When I [c]o[mm]ent on [m]eta[ph][y]s[i][c]s I [d]o [s]o in a [c]ons[ci]ously ab[s]urd [f]a[sh]ion, be[c]ause I re[c]ognize the [l][i][m][i]ts of [l]anguage, the [l][i][m][i]ts of [l]anguage th[a]t [a]t [b]ottom are in[c][a]pa[b]le of [c]o[m]muni[c][a]ting [m]eta[ph]ysi[c]s i[n] li[n]ear [a]nd/or r[a][ti]o[n]al [f][a][sh]io[n]s. It [s]ee[m]s [s]o[m]ewhat obv[i]ou[s] [th]at [th]ere's a ne[f]a[r][i]ou[s] [l]ite[r]a[l]ism at pl[a]y here, I th[i]n[k] [i]t’s [s][a][f]e to [s][ay] that. Ever [s]in[c]e grade [s][c]hool I was [p]os[i]t[i]ve that I [s]tood in the [p][r]esen[c]e of a nefa[r]io[u][s] [l][i]tera[l][i]sm. Even as a young [b]oy, [i]nst[i]n[c]t[i]ve[l][y], I k[n]ew [n]um[b]ers were, in all [l]i[k]e[l]ihood, im[p]o[s]s[i][b][i][l][i]t[ie]s, and th[a]t my [s]y[s]tem[a]ti[c] edu[c]ation was high[l][y] [s]u[s]ce[p][t]ib[l]e to, i[f] [n]ot e[n][t]ire[l][y] [c]om[p][l]i[c]it i[n], a [n]e[f]a[r]ious [l]ite[r]a[l]ism. The [e]du[c][a][ti]on of my youth [d]i[d]n’t [e]xa[c]tly [e]n[c]ourage aud[a][ci]ous thought.
04— 805:1077 .747
I[n] a[n]y [c]a[s]e, we [c]an’t [c]om[p]ose [m]etaph[y]s[i][c]s i[n] a rational [s]en[s]e, [c]an [w][e]? [I]sn’t [i]t al[w]ays in a bet[w][e]en-the-lines [s]en[s]e that [w]e [c]om[p]ose [m]eta[ph][y]s[i][c]s, [i]n [w][i]n[k]s and nods that we write [m]eta[ph][y]s[i]cs, be[c]ause we [c]an’t w[r]ite [m]eta[ph]ysi[c]s [i]n a l[i]near [a]nd/or [r][a][ti]o[n]al [f][a][sh]io[n]? We [t][a]ke [f]ar [t]oo much at [f][a]ce value. Our [l][i]te[r]a[l][i]sm [i]s [i]ntentio[n]a[ll][y] or un[i]ntentio[n]a[ll][y] [n]e[f]a[r]iou[s]. [B]e[c]ause the rea[l]it[y] is [n]ear[l][y] [n]othing [c]an [b]e t[a][k]en at f[a][c]e va[l]ue. [D]o you r[ea][l]ly [b]e[l][ie]ve the gr[ea]test minds of An[t][i][q]u[i]ty [i]n[t]en[d]ed [t]o [b]e [t][a][k]en at f[a]ce value? The [B][y]z[a]ntines [r]ead [P]l[a]to the [s][a]me [w][ay] [w]e [r][ea]d Do[s]toyev[s]k[y], [w]hereas [w][e] r[e]ad [P]l[a]to the [s][a]me [w][ay] the B[y]z[a]nt[i]nes r[ea]d the Go[s][p]els. [P]erha[p]s [b]oth are a[b]su[r]d. Now, su[r]e, I’m with[ou][t] a [d][ou]b[t], from a [c]ertain vantage [p]oint at lea[s]t, a [d]i[s]ci[p]le of [P]alama[s], I won't a[t]t[e]m[p]t to d[e]n[y] that, but we [c]an’t [t]a[k]e eve[r]ything [P]a[l]amas [p]ut to [p]a[p][y][r]u[s] at fa[c]e va[l]ue either. Although [P]ala[m]a[s] under[s]tood the short[c]o[m]ings of Ant[i][q]u[i]t[y] better than [e]ven the [m]o[s]t [p]rogre[ss]ive [m]odern [s][c]holar, I’d [b]e the la[s]t one to [s][ay] I t[a][k]e every[th]ing [th]e [s][ai]nt wrote at [f][a][c]e va[l]ue, be[c]ause I’m [f]ar [f][r]om a [l]ite[r]a[l]i[s]t. The m[o]de[r]n [s][c]h[o]la[r], in[s][o][f]ar as [h]e [k]eeps [h]is [f]aith i[n] ratio[n]a[l]ism, will m[o][s]t [l]i[k]e[l]y [n]eve[r] [c]ome [t]o [t]e[r]ms with the [n][a]tu[r]e of An[t][i][q]u[i]t[y]—is that fair to s[a]y? H[e]’ll r[ea]d Parmen[i]d[e]s and ta[k]e eve[r]ything [l]ite[r]a[ll][y], a[n]d i[n] ta[k]in[g] eve[r]ythin[g] [l]ite[r]a[ll][y] he'[ll] [i]nev[i]tab[l][y] ta[k]e everything [i]d[i]ot[i][c]a[l]l[y]. [I]sn’t [i]t the [c][a][s]e [th]at [th]e [th]eologians are the gr[ea]te[s]t [s][k]e[p]ti[c]s am[o]ng [u]s? We view [f][ai]th as [p]oison as we [r]et[ai]n [f]anatical levels of [f][ai]th in ou[r] [s]en[s]o[r]y o[r]ga[n]s. We [p]e[r]use a [v]a[r]iety of em[p]i[r]i[c]al [s]tudies that [v]i[v]i[s]e[c]t the [g]rote[s][q]ue fi[c]tions of ou[r] [s]en[s]o[r]y o[r][g]ans—did you k[n]ow it’[s] [n]ow [s]pe[c]u[l]ated human [b][e]ings didn’t s[ee] the [c]o[l]or [b][l]ue until the [l]atter [B][C] [c]enturie[s] at ear[l]ie[s]t? [A]ll [a][r]ound u[s] ou[r] [s]en[s]o[r]y o[r]gans [e]xcrete [e]viden[c]e of their [u]tter [u]n[r]e[l]iab[i][l][i]ty, yet we view [f][ai]th as idiocy while [r]et[ai][n][i]ng th[i]s [f]a[n]at[i]c[a]l [n]otio[n] that ou[r] [s]en[s]o[r]y o[r]ga[n]s can and should and m[u][s]t be tr[u][s]ted—[w]h[i]ch [i]s [w]hy [w]e're [n]ot [q]uite [r]adi[c]al e[n]ough. The [m]o[d]ern [a]ge [r]et[ai]ns [r]a[d]i[c]al [f][ai]th [i]n [i]ts [s]en[s]ory o[r]gans in a [m]o[r]e [f]an[a]ti[c]a[l] [f][a]shion tha[n] a[n]y hi[s]to[r][i][c]al [r]el[i]g[i]on k[n]own to man. [N]othing [c]an [b]e t[a][k]en [a]t [f][a]ce v[a]lue, th[a]t [m]uch we should ag[r][ee] on, wh[i]ch [b][r][i]ngs [m][e] to this, a t[r]ue [f]ly i[n] the oint[m]e[n]t, [s]o to [s]p[ea]k—how [i]s [i]t you [a]rrive at [a] po[s]tulation of a[n] e[ss]e[n][c]e you ca[nn]ot k[n]ow? Th[i]s [i]s the question, [i]s [i]t [n]ot? How [d]oes the [m]athe[m]a[t]i[ci]an reach the po[s]tula[ti]on num[b]ers are [a][c]tual [a]nd [d]i[s][t]in[c]t? [H]ow is it [p]o[s]s[i][b]le, g[i]ven [h]uman ca[p]a[b][i]l[i]ties, to [d][i][s]t[i]nguish the [n]um[b]er two fro[m] the [n]u[m]ber one [p]oint [n]ine [r]e[p]eati[n]g (1.9999999…) i[n] [p][r]acti[c]e? How [i]s [i]t [p]o[ss][i]ble to d[i][s][t][i]nguish [t]wo from one [p]oint nine re[p]eating? How does [m]ath[e][m]ati[c]s a[t]t[e]mpt [t]o [l][a]y any [c][l][ai]m to ph[y]s[i][c]al [s][p][a][c]e—[t]o [a]ttem[p]t to [c][l]aim the [a]bi[l]it[y] to [l][ea]ve [th]e [th]eor[e]ti[c]al—when [i]t's [i]m[p]o[s]s[i]ble for u[s] to d[i][s]t[i]nguish the [n]umber two fro[m] the [n]umber one [p]oint [n]ine [r]e[p]eati[n]g (1.9999999999999999999999...), i[n] [p]racti[c]e? It [s]eems im[p]o[ss]i[b]le [f]or u[s] to k[n]ow [th]at [th]e [n]um[b]er [t]wo [i]s [i]n [f]act the [n]um[b]er [t]wo, and [n]ot the [n]umber [o]ne [p]oint [n]ine re[p]eating (1.9999999999999999…), and i[f] [w]e're u[n]a[b]le to k[n]ow the [n]um[b]er [t]wo [i]s [i]n [f]act the [n]um[b]er [t]wo then how [c]ould it [b]e [p]o[ss]i[b]le to a[ss]ert th[a]t [m][a]the[m][a]ti[c]s h[a]s any va[l]ue out[s]ide of [th]e [p]ure[l]y [th]eoreti[c]al? [B]y in[s]tinct [p]erha[p]s we feel as [th]ough [th]e [n]um[b]er [t]wo is the [n]um[b]er [t]wo, and the [n]um[b]er [o]ne is the [n]um[b]er [o]ne, yes, the [m][a]the[m][a]ti[c]al [a]xioms [m]ay [f]eel [c]orre[c]t—y[e]t the [f][a][c]t re[m]ains that we l[a][ck] the [p]er[c]e[p]tual [f]a[c]ulties to d[i][s][t][i]nguish [t]wo a[pp]les fr[o]m [o]ne [p]oint nine re[p]eating (1.99999999999…) a[pp]les. [W]hen [w]e [s][p]eak of the [E][ss]en[c]e of all things we [d]on’t [s][p]eak an[y] [d]ifferent[l][y]—with the [e]x[c]e[p]tion that our [ph]i[l]o[s]o[ph]y of a[n] u[n]k[n]owa[b]le E[ss]en[c]e [s]ee[k]s to [p]ut a [s]tr[i][c]t l[i]m[i]t on k[n]owledge [b]a[s]ed on [i]n[s]tin[c]t[i]ve a[ss]um[p]t[i]ons, whereas the [ph]ilo[s]o[ph]y of [m]athe[m]atic[s] a[t]t[e]m[p]t[s] [t]o ind[e]f[i]n[i]tely [e]x[p]and our k[n]owledge ba[s]ed on [n]othing more tha[n] a[n] i[n][s]t[i]nct[i]ve a[s]sum[p]t[i]on, the in[s]t[i][n][c]t[i]ve a[ss]umpt[i]on that we [c]an [s]u[cc]e[ss]fully di[s]ti[n]gu[i]sh two a[pp]les fr[o]m [o]ne [p]oint nine re[p]eating (1.999999999999…) a[pp]les.
05— 363:468 .776
There’s no doubt that we’re [i]n the [m][i]d[s]t of [s]omething e[ss]ent[i]a[l]ly [m][y][s]teriou[s], that [w]hen [w]e di[s][c]u[ss] the e[ss]en[c]e of [l]ife [w]e thin[k] [w]e [c]an [m]a[k]e [s]en[s]e [o]f it [a]ll, that we’re on the [p]re[c]i[p]i[c]e of [m]a[k]ing [s]en[s]e of [o]ur[s]elves and [o]ur [s]u[r]roundings, yet there’s [s]t[i]ll [l][i]ttle doubt w[e] [r]e[m]ain [i]n the [m][i]dst of [s]omething e[ss]ent[i]a[l]ly [m][y][s]te[r]iou[s] [w]hen [w]e beg[i]n to th[i]n[k] [c][l]ear[l]y. Th[i]n[k][i]ng [i]s [p]erha[p]s the [m]o[s]t [m]y[s]te[r]ious a[c]t [o]f [a]ll. Th[i]nk[i]ng, [w]h[i]ch [w][e] gene[r]al[l][y] be[l][ie]ve trans[l]ates [m]ate[r]ial and i[mm]ate[r]ial exp[e][r]ien[c]e i[n]to [l]anguage—i[n]to [m]odes that are [c]o[mm]uni[c]able. [Th][i]n[k][i]ng, wh[i]ch a[tt]em[p]ts [t]o [t]a[k]e [s]ome[th]ing [s]uch as [c]on[s][u]ming a j[ui][c]y [p]ear, an ex[p]erien[c]e that ult[i][m][a]tely [i]s [c]on[f]ined to [p]er[s]onal [e]x[p]e[r]ien[c]e, and [e]xt[r]a[p]olate [i]t [i]n a [c]o[m]mun[i][c][a]ble [f]ormat to the gene[r]al [p]o[p]ula[c]e. [S]ans thin[k]in[g], [c]o[n][s][u]min[g] a j[ui][c]y [p]ear would be [s]omething [c]o[n][f]ined to the [p]rivate [s][ph]ere—w[i]th th[i]n[k][i]ng [i]t’[s] then [p]resuma[b][l]y a[ll]owed to enter the [p]u[b][l]i[c] [d]o[m]ain. [Th]ere [i]s, [i]n fa[c]t, no re[m][ai][n]ing [p]u[b]li[c] [d]o[m][ai][n] sans [th]in[k]ing—and [th]ere's i[n] e[ss]e[n][c]e n[o] thin[k]ing [s]ans a [p]u[b]li[c] [d][o]main. A[ss][u][m]ing [w]e [c]on[s][u][m]e a j[ui][c]y [p]ear, thin[k]ing [W]ow, this [p]ear is j[ui][c]y, [b]ut [r]ef[u]se t[o] w[r]ite it down, to ver[b]ally ex[p][r]e[s]s it to our [p]ee[r]s, [th]en [th]e [th]ought Wow, th[i]s [p]ea[r] [i]s jui[c]y [r]e[m]ains in the [p]urely i[mm]aterial [r]eal[m], [i]t’[s] ex[i][s]ten[c]e [p]ure[l]y [s][p]e[c]u[l]ative, both [th]e [th]ought and the physi[c]al [e]x[p]e[r]ien[c]e [r]e[m]ain [e][ss]entia[l]l[y] [p]ure[l][y] [s][p]e[c]u[l]ative. It’[s] on[l][y] [w]hen [th]e [th]ought [W]ow, th[i]s [p]ear [i]s jui[c][y] enters the [p]u[b]li[c] do[m]ain that it [b]e[c]omes, [p]erha[p]s not real, [b]ut [a]t lea[s]t [a][pp]are[n]t i[n] a [m]ore [m]ate[r]ial [m]anner—it’[s] [v]e[r]i[f]ied as a [r]eal ex[p]erien[c]e and [s]ub[s][e]qu[e]ntly [v]e[r]i[f]ied as a [r]eal thought. I t[oo] [c]on[s][u]med a [p]ear, and [w]ow it [w]as al[s][o] [q]uite jui[c]y! There’s n[o] doubt we’re [i]n the [m][i]d[s]t of [s]ometh[i]ng e[ss]ent[i]ally [m][y][s]teriou[s] here.
06— 546:775 .705
It was just [a] [f]ew [m]onths [a][g][o], I dreamt a[n] [o]lder [f]e[m][a]le e[n][g][a]ged [m]e i[n] a [l]i[a]ison, [p]erha[p]s a [s]exual [l]i[a]ison—at fir[s]t she [w]as an [o]l[d]er [b]la[ck] [w]o[m]an, [b]ut then she [b]e[c]ame an [o]l[d]er [w]hite [w]o[m]an, [a]nd, [a]s she [w]as [w]hite, [a]s [w]e s[a]t i[n] a[n] auto[m]o[b]ile, I en[t]ered a ho[t]el room [t]o pay [n][i]ne[t]y [t]wo dollars [f]or our [r]oom [f]or the [n][i]ght, then I [r]e[t]urned [t]o the [c]ar. I [w]as [w]earing a [b]us[i]n[e][s]s [s]uit and she [w]ore [b]us[i]n[e][s]s [c]asu[a]l [a][t]tire, there were [t]wo [s]mall [d]ar[k], in[d]e[c]i[ph]era[b]le [f]orms [s][i]tt[i]ng [i]n the [b]a[ck][s]eat, and [sh]e t[o]ld me [sh]e had to g[o] [s]outh of the [M]issou[r]i now, and [I] [r]e[p]l[i]ed You [m]ean [s]outh of the [M]i[ss]i[ss]i[pp]i, [r]ight?—yet, even [s]etting a[s]ide our geo[g]raphi[c]al [c]on[c]e[r]ns, he[r] [s][t]atement [s][t]ru[c]k me as [s]omething I already k[n]ew, [th]at I k[n]ew sh[e] was [l][ea]ving for [g]ood, and [th]at her [l][ea]ving would [m]a[r][k] a [n]ew [s]ta[r]t for [m][e], [s]o to [s][p][ea][k]. [W]hen I [w][o][k]e u[p] I [f]elt as th[ou]gh, i[n] a[n] i[n]te[n]sely odd and [i]m[p]al[p]able way, my [e]nt[i]re l[i][f]e had [f]ollowed the [p]ath of Ea[s]tern Orthodoxy—in a [p]ro[f]ound manner I [f]elt this, I [w]as [w]i[d]e a[w][a][k]e in be[d], g[a]zing at a [w]all thin[k]ing m[y] ent[i]re l[i][f]e has [s]omehow [t]ra[ck]ed the [t]enets of the [E]a[s]tern Ortho[d]ox, [th]at [th]is [d]r[ea]m was [e][q]uall[y] [c]or[p]o[r]eal to any wa[k]ing ex[p]e[r]ien[c]e I’ve h[a]d, [a]nd now, [m]onths later, [I] [r]e[m][ai]n [c]u[r]iou[s] with [r]egar[d] to the [i][d]entity of this [m]ulti-[r][a]cial [f]igure [f][r]om [m]y [d][r][ea]m, who it [s][ee][m]s eng[a]ged [m][e] in a [s]exual li[a]ison? De[s]pite affir[m]ing the [m][y][s]teriou[s] nature of [w]hat [w]e're [i]n the [m][i]d[s]t of, I've never [b]een a [b]el[ie]ver in a[n]gels a[n]d d[e]mons, [s]o to [s]p[ea]k—yet this [f]igure [f]rom [m]y dr[ea][m], it s[ee][m]s to [m][e], shared [m]any [c]hara[c]te[r][i]st[i][c]s w[i]th h[i]stor[i][c]al [r]epo[r]t[s] of [s]o-[c]alled angels and de[m]ons. Of cou[r][s]e, a[ss][u][m]ing it’[s] [o]ne [o]f the [t]wo, [w]hich [o]ne of the [t]wo [i]s [i]t? A[n] a[n]gel or a [d]emon? Who were the [d]ar[k], near[l]y [f]orm[l]es[s] [f]igures in the [b]a[ck][s]eat of the [c]ar? A per[s]o[n] e[n]g[a]ges me in a [s]exual [l]i[a]ison, [b]ut at [f]ir[s]t is [b][l]a[ck], [b]ut then [b]e[c]omes white, then tells [m]e she now has to g[o] [q]u[o]te-un[q]u[o]te south of the [M]issou[r]i, I [c]o[rr]e[c]t her, and then I [w]a[k]e up [w]ith a[n] i[n][t]e[n][s]e [f]ee[l]ing my [l]i[f]e’s [s]omehow [f]o[ll]owed the [t]e[n]ets of Ea[s]tern Or[th]odoxy—[th]en, [th]i[s] dr[ea]m's in[t]en[s]it[y] [s][t]i[ck]ing [w]ith m[e] for [w][ee][k]s and [e]ve[n] [m]onths on e[n]d, I [q]uestio[n] i[f] the [f]igure [f][r]om [m]y d[r][e]am was [p]erha[p]s a b[e]i[n]g of [s]ome [m]eta[ph][y]s[i]cal [s]ort, [p]erha[p]s a[n] a[n]gel or [p]erha[p]s a de[m]on. I [q]u[e][s]tion wh[e]ther [p]erha[p]s a[n] a[n]gel or [p]erha[p]s a [d][e]mon en[t]ered my [d]r[ea]m to, in a [q]uite [s]er[p]en[t][i]ne way, [p]oint [m]e i[n] the [d]irectio[n] of [s]o[m]e[th]ing—[p]erha[p]s Ea[s]tern Or[th]o[d]oxy. And I [q]uestion [i][f] th[i]s [i]s [i]n [f]a[c]t [p]o[s]s[i]ble. [A]t almo[s]t [a]ny other [t][i]me in m[y] l[i]fe I would have [c]on[s][i][d]ered [i]t an [i]m[p]o[ss][i][b][i]l[i]t[y], [s]omething [t]otall[y] lu[d]i[c][r]ous, I’d have [c]on[s]i[d]ered it [a]n [e]m[b]a[r]ra[ss]ing a[b][s]ur[d]it[y] to [e]ven [s]uggest it. [W]hereas [p][r][e]v[i]ou[s]ly I [w]ould have [s]at and [s]aid I con[s]i[d]ered it to [b]e an e[m][b]a[r]ra[ss]ing a[b][s]ur[d][i]t[y] and utter i[m][p]oss[i][b][i]l[i]t[y], [n]ow, for [o]ne [r]eason or a[n]other, I [a][c]tua[l]l[y] [c]on[s]i[d]er it [a]n em[b]arra[ss]ing [a][b][s]ur[d]it[y] to find [i]t utter[l][y] [i]mpossi[b]le.
07— 237:327 .725
Y[e]t l[e]t [m]e ex[p][l]ain [m]y thoughts on th[i]s [i]ssue just a [l][i]ttl[e] [f]urther, i[f] I [m]ay? Be[c]ause my th[ou]ghts [o]n the t[o][p]i[c] ex[p]anded [s][i]gn[i][f]i[c]ant[l][y] ju[s]t re[c]ent[l][y], [a]s a m[a]tter of [f][a][c]t. It was ju[s]t l[a][s]t [S][a]turday, [a]t a [b][a][ck]yard [c]oo[k]out where I [s][a]t [a]t a [n]i[c]e e[n]ou[gh] gl[a][ss] ta[b]le [n]ext to a [b]ottle of [p]otato vod[k]a im[p]orted [f]rom [P]o[l]and, I was drin[k]ing the [p]otato vod[k]a [f]rom [P]o[l]and in a [s]mall [p][l][a][s]ti[c] g[l][a][ss] [w]ith [w]ater and i[c]e, and the [p]otato vod[k]a was [s][m]ooth, [q]uite [s][m]ooth a[c]tually, when the [p]er[s]on [s]itting [a][c]ro[ss] from [m]e [m]ade [a] [r]e[m]ar[k]—[h]e [s]aid that [h]e j[u][s]t [b]ought [h]alf [a] [d]ozen [p][r]e-[r]olled [b][l]unts f[r]om a [s]tate-[s]anctioned [d]i[s][p]en[s]a[r]y, that h[e] was [p][l]anning to [s]te[p] on the [s]idewalk and [l]ight u[p] one of th[e]se b[l]unts, have a [p]u[ff] or [t]w[o] [t][o] re[l]ax, [t][o] [w]hich h[e] o[ff]ered m[e] a [p]u[ff] [t][oo], i[f] I [w]anted [o]ne. [W]ell, [a]s it so h[a][pp]ened, [a]t the time, [d]e[s][p]ite my general [a]mbivalence to m[a]rijuana, I con[s][i][d]ered [i]t a [d]e[c]ent [i][d]ea. [I] [f]igured [I]’d have [o]ne [p]u[ff] or [t]wo, [t]o[p]s, that [m]aybe it [w]ould relax [m]e. I [f]igured, at the [t]ime, that a [p]u[ff] or [t]wo, [t]o[p]s, would have a [m]ini[m]al to [m]odera[t]e e[ff]ect—yet [w]he[n] I [w]e[n]t out to the [s]ide[w]alk [w]ith thi[s] [p]er[s]on [t]o [t]a[k]e a [p]u[f]f or [t]wo [f]rom his [s][t][a]te-[s]an[c]tioned blunt I’d di[s][c]over [th]at [th]i[s] weed re[t][ai]ned a [p]o[t]en[c]y th[a]t [p]erh[a][p]s I'd n[e]ver [e]n[c]ountered before.
08— 396:505 .784
The [b][l]unts were exqu[i]s[i]te[l]y rolle[d] and ta[s]ted [d]e[l][i]c[i]ou[s], the [f]ir[s]t hit went [d]own [f]ine—yet as the [b]lunt pa[s]sed [f]or a [f][i]nal t[i]me, again[s]t my [b]etter jud[g]ment, [d]eep [d]own a[ck][n]owled[g]ing [th]at [th]e one [h]it was the [c]orre[c]t amount of [h]its, that a[n]y [s]ub[s]e[q]ue[n]t [h]it would [b][e] a w[h]o[l]l[y] [s]uper[f][l]uous [h]it, [I] [d]e[c][i][d]ed [t]o [t]a[k]e a [s]e[c]ond [h]it, where imme[d]iate[l][y] [f]o[l]lowing my ex[h]ale I [c]ou[gh]ed vo[c]i[f]erou[s]l[y]. I [c]ou[gh]ed vo[c]i[f]erou[s]ly then ju[s]t [m]o[m]ents later time began, [m]uch to [m][y] [s]ur[p][r][i]se, [p][r]o[c]eed[i]ng [i]n a highly ab[n]or[m]al [m]a[nn]er. I [f]ound mysel[f] at a [f]amily [c]oo[k]out, and [t]ime was p[r]o[c]eedi[n]g in a [m]a[n]ner that [s][t][r]u[ck] [m][e] as en[t]ire[l][y] ab[n]or[m]al. I was [l][ou]nging in a [n]on[d]e[s]cri[p]t [l][aw]n chair, ex[c]e[p]t [n]ow I [f]ound my[s]el[f] unable to ex[p]e[r]ien[c]e the [p][r]o[c]ession of [t]ime in our [r]u[d]i[m]en[t]a[r]y, [t]e[m][p]e[r]ate [m]anner. I [j]um[p]ed [b]e[t]w[ee]n di[s][j]ointed [s]c[e]nes. [P]eo[p]le [b]egan s[p][ea]king and [i]t was almo[s]t as though a [p]er[s]on h[i]t [f]ast [f]orward on their [s][p][ee]ch. [Th]en [th]e [s][p][ee]ch would [s][l][o]w ju[s]t [m][o][m]en[t]ari[l][y]. Add[i]t[i]onal[l][y], I [s][ee]med en[t]ire[l][y] [r]e[s]t[r][i]ct[e]d from [p]er[c][ei]ving how [p][eo][p]le were [p]er[c][ei]ving m[e], I [f]elt [l][i]ke [I] was [e]xtr[e]me[l][y] h[i]gh, in [f]a[c]t [I] knew [I] was [e]xtr[e]me[l][y] h[i]gh, and it wasn’t [e]x[a][c]t[l][y] the m[o]st a[pp][r][o][p][r]iate ven[u]e to be th[a]t h[i]gh—[a]t a [f]ami[l][y] [c]oo[k]out—[y]et I was [r]e[s]t[r][i]ct[e]d from per[c][ei]ving [h]ow [h][i]gh [I] [s][ee]med to the out[s][i]de world. At t[i]mes it felt l[i][k]e [I]’d gained a[cc][e][ss] to a [c][ue] that [s]ugg[e][s]ted [e]ve[r]yone kn[ew] [I] was [e]xt[r][e]mel[y] h[i]gh, yet thi[s] [n]otion, that [e]very[o]ne k[n]ew [I] [w]as [e]xt[r][e]mel[y] h[i]gh, [r]emained un[p][r]oven, [i]m[p]o[ss][i]ble to [p][r]ove, it [s]eemed. [B]ecause [p][eo][p]le would at [t]imes [s][ee]m to [b][e] [t]r[ea]ting m[e] as if [I] was [h]ardl[y] [h][i]gh at all, de[s][p]ite the [f][a][c]t that I [c]ould no [l]onger [e]x[p]erien[c]e time i[n] a [p]ure[l]y [l]inear [f][a]shion. [E][s]sen[ti]all[y] [m]y own a[c][ti]ons [b]e[c]ame [e]ntirel[y] foreig[n] to [m][e]—[m]ore than ju[s]t [b][e]ing [e]xtr[e]mel[y] high, I [b]e[c]ame di[s][c]on[c]erted at [th]e [th]ought of what a[c]tions I [c]ould [p]o[ss]i[b][l][y] [b][e] ta[k]ing that [c]aused the [p][eo][p]le around m[e] to [c][ea][s]e to view [m][e] as extr[e][m]e[l][y] high.
09— 404:534 .757
The [o]nly a[c]tions of my [o]wn I was [s]till [a][w]are of [w]ere a[c]tions that [s][ee]med [t]o m[e] [t]o b[e] of [a] per[s]on [c][l][ea]r[l][y] ext[r][e]me[l][y] [h]igh, [s]o [h]ow [c]ould th[e]se [a][c][ti]ons [b][e] s[ee]n [b]y [r][a][ti]onal [a][c]tors to [b]e [c]oming from a [p]er[s]on who was [s]till ex[p]erien[c]ing [t]ime [l]inear[l]y? Thi[s] was, [a]t the [t]ime, a que[s]tion [s][a]ns [a]n [a]n[s]wer. [I]n [sh]ort, [i]t wasn’t [s]im[p]ly that I [c]ea[s]ed to ex[p]erien[c]e time in [a] norm[a]t[i]ve [f][a][sh][i]on—it was the [f][a][c]t my exte[r]ior [s]u[rr]oundings [s]eemed [t]o [c]on[t]inue [t]o re[c]og[n][i]ze [I] pa[ss]ed through [t][i]me in at lea[s]t [s]o[m]ewhat of [a] [n]ormat[i]ve [f][a]sh[i]on. Thi[s] was di[s][c]o[n][c]erting, be[c]ause [o]ne [w]ould a[ss]ume, if you le[f]t the [c]o[n][f][i]nes of [n]ormative t[i]me, [th]at [th]e [p]eo[p]le [i]n your v[i][c][i][n][i]ty would re[c]og[n]ize thi[s] [f]a[c]t—that you ex[i]t[e]d [n]ormat[i]ve time. But [i]n th[i][s] [c]a[s]e [i]t was almo[s]t as [i]f, ye[s]—I was no longer [p][r]esent, I was [e]x[p]e[r]ien[c]ing [t][i]me i[n] a[n] [e][n][t][i]rely a[s]ynch[r]onou[s] [f]ashion, yet [m]y [s]u[r]roundings [s]till [f]ound [m][e] to [b][e] [th]ere, [f]or [th]e [m]o[s]t [p]art. I was, to the [b][e][s]t of my [p]er[c][e][p]tual [f]a[c]ulti[e]s, exi[s]ti[n]g i[n] at [l][ea][s]t two [p][l]a[c]es at on[c]e. At the [f]a[m]i[l]y [c]oo[k]out, where [m]o[s]t [p][eo][p]le were [ei]ther [s][l][i]ght[l]y h[i]gh or not h[i]gh at [a]ll, and then [a]l[s]o in a [s]e[p]a[r]ate ite[r]ation of time, [w]here I [w]as j[u]m[p]ing f[r][o]m [p]e[r]iod to [p]e[r]iod, [i]n[d][i]scr[i]m[i][n][a]te[l]y. There's [l]ittle [d][o]ubt [n][o]w that time, as we’re exp[o]sed to it, is [o]nly one of s[e]veral [i]te[r][a]tions, yet how many [i]te[r][a]tions are there? It [s]eems [i]mpo[ss][i]ble for u[s] to [s]ay—[p]erha[p]s [i]te[r]at[i]ons [i]s the w[r]ong mode [t]o di[s]cu[s]s [t][y][p]es of [t][i]me. [I]t’s e[n][t][i]rely [p]o[ss][i]ble, [i]n fact, that [t][i]me [p]er[c]eives [u][s] inasm[u]ch as w[e] [p]er[c][ei]ve it. Yet [o]nce [w]e a[ck]nowledge [th]is [f][a][c]t, [th][a]t ti[m]e has [m]any [i]te[r]ations of [p][r]odu[c]ing [i]t[s]el[f], that ti[m]e [m]ay in [f]act [p]er[c]eive u[s] [r]ather than u[s] [p]er[c]eive [i]t, then we can no [l]onger b[l]ind[l]y [s]tate that our [d][r][ea]ms are ju[s]t [d][r]eams—be[c]ause it would s[ee]m to [m][e] that [i][f] time, [i]n [f]a[c]t, ta[k]es [m]any, i[f] [n]ot [i]n[f]i[n][i][t]e, [i][t]e[r]ations, then our [d][r][ea]ms [c]ould in [f]a[c]t b[e] en[t]irel[y] [r][ea]l, [th]at [th]ey m[a]y ju[s]t ex[i][s]t [i]n [d]i[ff]e[r]ent [i]te[r][a]tions of [t]ime. Our d[r][ea]ms could b[e] en[t]irel[y] [r][ea]l [e]x[p]e[r]ien[c]es, ju[s]t [e]x[p]e[r]ien[c]ed in [s]e[p]a[r]ate ite[r]ations of [t]ime.
10— 458:632 .725
Of [c]our[s]e, [r]a[ti]onall[y] [s][p][ea][k]ing, not that w[e] [sh]ould [s][p][ea][k] [r]a[ti]onal[l][y], but [r]a[ti]onal[l][y] [s][p][ea][k]ing we [c]ould [q]u[e]st[i]on the m[e][r][i]ts of adh[e]ring to [Ea][s]tern Orthodox[y] gene[r]a[l]l[y]. Of [c]our[s]e we [c]ould [r]e[f]e[r]en[c]e the [c]a[s]e of [C]hry[s][o][s]t[o]m[o][s] [K][a][l][a][f][a]ti[s], the [M]et[r]opo[l]itan of [S][m]yrna, who un[c]ere[m]oniou[s]ly [h]ad [h]is [b]eard [r]i[pp]ed o[ff] [b]y [h]and, [h]is eyes g[ou]ged [ou]t, his nose and ears [c]ut o[ff] and was [s]u[b][s]e[q]uently [m]a[s][q]ue[r]aded a[r]ound the ve[r]y [c]ity where he a[c]ted as a [M]et[r]o[p]olitan until he [d]ied from h[i]s [i]nju[r]ies, from [h]aving [h]is [e]yes, nose, and ears [r]emoved, all of this during the [h][ei]ght of the G[r]e[c]o-Tur[k]ish war—as it [s]eems [s][a][f]e to [s][ay] that Ea[s]tern Ortho[d]o[x]y, to [s]ome e[x]tent, [d]i[d]n't [f]are Chry[s][o][s]t[o]m[o][s] well in the [e]nd, at [l][ea][s]t fro[m] a [m]at[e]ria[l]i[s]t [p]oint of view. It’s a [s][m]all [s]am[p]le [s]ize yet it’[s] [c]om[p][e]lling to a[n] [e]xte[n]t, and of [c]ourse the [s]am[p][l]e is [s]ub[s]tantia[ll]y [l]arger [w]hen [w]e [c]on[s]i[d]er the [p]light of the Ortho[d][o]x [p][o][p]ulation of [A]nat[o]lia [a]s a wh[o]le. [Th]e tru[th] is the Or[th]o[d]ox haven’t fared i[n][c]re[d]ibly [w]ell i[n] the N[ea]r [Ea][s]t [o]ver the pa[s]t, give or t[a][k]e, [o]ne thousand y[ea]rs or [s][o], we could [e]ven [s][a]y that [f]ollowing the [p][a]th of [Ea][s]tern Ortho[d]ox[y] has [p]erh[a][p]s been ext[r][e]mel[y] [f][r]aught with [p]e[r]il in [c]ertain [r][e]gions of the [Ea][s]tern Me[d]ite[r]ran[ea]n. W[e] [sh]ouldn't [s]p[ea][k] [r]a[ti]ona[l]l[y] or [l]ogi[c]a[l]l[y], yet if [w]e [w]ere [t]o [t][a][k]e the [c][a][s]e of, [s][ay], for exam[p]le, the [c]on[c]e[p]t of The One, the [b][e]ing that [c]on[c]e[p]tuall[y] [p]r[e][c][e]des [b][e]ing, that ex[i][s]ts [i]n [a][ll] a[s]pect[s] of [t]ime, but [a][l][s]o fun[d]a[m]en[t]ally [m]u[s]t exi[s]t out[s]i[d]e of [t]ime, [t]o a [c]ertai[n] ex[t]e[n]t [w]e [w]ould al[m]o[s]t n[ee]d to en[t]irel[y] [r]e[c]o[n][s]tru[c]t our [c]o[n][c]eption of [t]ime to [e]ven [r]emotel[y] [b][e] [a][b]le to [c]o[n][c][ei]ve of a [B][e]ing of that [n][a]ture. [N]ot to [s][ay] that we [c]ould ever [c]on[c][ei]ve a B[e]ing of that [n][a]ture [i]n [i]t[s] e[ss]en[c]e, yet to [e]ven a[pp]roach a [c]on[c]e[p]tion—if [l]ogi[c] [l][ea]ds us to a Fir[s]t [P]rin[c]i[p]le that ex[i][s]ts w[i]th[i]n and out[s][i]de of t[i]me, then our [c]on[c]e[p][ti]on of t[i]me is e[ss]en[ti]ally ab[s]urdi[s]t. [W]e [w]ould n[ee]d to r[e][c]o[n][s]tru[c]t thi[s] [c]o[n][c]ep[ti]on of time as [s]omething [w]e [e]xi[s]t [e]x[c]lu[s]ively [w]ithin, that [c]o[n]tains u[s] i[n] a li[n]ear f[a][sh]io[n], th[a]t [p]erh[a][p]s [p]er[c]eives u[s] i[n] a [s]o-[c]alled li[n]ear [f]ashio[n], [b]e[c]ause i[f] we are i[n] [f]a[c]t exte[n]sions of thi[s] [O]ne who m[u][s]t [b]y ne[c]e[ss]ity exi[s]t [b]oth w[i]th[i]n and out[s][i]de of t[i]me, [th]en [th]ere mu[s]t [e][x]i[s]t a [p]or[ti]on of u[s], as [e][x]ten[si]ons of the One, that [e][x][p]eriences time [i]n th[i]s fa[sh]ion, wh[i]ch [i]s of [c]our[s]e a[n] e[ss]e[n]tially ab[s]urdi[s]t manner of [c]on[c]eiving of time.
11— 335:493 .679
I [c]an’t [th][i]n[k] of a [th][i]ng more ab[s]urd [th]an [c]on[c]eiving time i[n] a [s]ole[l]y [l]i[n]ear fashio[n]. It [s]eems ju[s]t—I [d]on’t kn[o]w—[t][o]t[a][ll]y ri[d]icu[l]ou[s] to [a][ss]ume [t]ime [p]ro[c]eeds i[n] a [p]ure[l]y [l]i[n]ear [f]ashio[n], that time [w]ouldn’t [p]roc[ee]d in [w]hatever [f]ashion it chooses, that [t]ime, e[t]ernal as [i]t [i]s, would n[ee]d u[s] to [p]er[c][ei]ve it, as o[pp]osed to [v]i[c]e [v]er[s]a, or [e][v]en [t][o] a[ss][u]me that [t]ime [p]ro[c][ee]ds at all, that, [i]f [i]t ch[o]se to [p]ro[c]eed, that it wouldn’t [p]ro[c]eed i[n] the fashio[n] of, [s]ay, [a]dding [p]er[c]en[t]a[g]es [a]s o[pp][o]sed to i[n][t]e[g]ers. I eng[a]ged in a [s]exual [l]i[a]ison with an older [f]emale, who at [f]ir[s]t [w]as [b][l]a[ck], the[n] [b]e[c]ame [w]hite, the[n] i[n][f]ormed [m]e th[a]t she h[a]d to go south of the [M]issou[r]i, a[f]ter I’d paid ninety [t]wo dollars [f]or a ho[t]el [r]oom [f]or the [t]wo of u[s], [a]s we [s][a]t in the [m]e[d]ium-[s]ized [s]e[d]an, with two [s][m]all and formle[s]s [d]ar[k] [b]eings [s]itti[n]g i[n] the [b]a[ck]. I [p]artoo[k] in the [s]mo[k]ing of a [s]iza[b]le [b]lunt that a [f][r]iend of mine [p]urchased [f][r]om a lo[c]al di[s][p]en[s]a[r]y, [a]nd [a][f]ter [t]a[k]ing a [m]ere [t]wo h[i]ts from th[i][s] [b][l]unt I [f]ound [m][y][s]el[f] inadv[i]sa[b][l][y] h[i]gh at a [f]ami[l][y] [f]unc[ti]o[n], ex[p]erien[c]ing t[i]me in a [s][p]uriou[s] [f]a[sh]io[n], in a [f]a[sh]ion [w]here I [w]as, on the one hand, a[pp]a[r]ent[l][y] [p][r]esent at the [p]art[y], yet [s]imult[a]neou[s][l][y] eng[a]ging [p]a[ss]ive[l][y] in a [f]orm of [t]ime that wasn’t [p]resent at the [p]arty—[s]o I [s]u[pp]ose it to [b]e [p]o[ss]i[b]le th[a]t [a]t the [t]ime I exi[s][t]ed at [t]wo [p][l]a[c]es at on[c]e. Yet as foo[l][i]sh as th[i]s may [s]ound, we should n[o]te that [e]ven Dion[y][s][i]u[s] [s]aid, and I qu[o]te, ‘it may [b]e [s]aid to [b]e praising God [f]or his [f]oolishne[ss], wh[i]ch [i]n [i]t[s]el[f] [s]eems a[b][s]urd and [s]trange, [b]ut thi[s] [f]oo[l]ishne[ss] [u]p[l]i[f]ts [u][s] to the ine[f]fa[b]le truth wh[i]ch [i]s there [b]e[f]ore all [r]easoning.’ [B]e[c]ause it would [st]and to [r][ea]son that i[f] [r][ea]so[n] [i]t[s]el[f] [i]s [i]n[c]a[p]a[b]le of a[s]certaining these [s][o]-[c]alled [d]ivine n[o]tions, then [p]erha[p]s [i]t’s onl[y] [i][d]io[c][y] that remains [c]a[p]a[b]le of [c]om[p][r]e[h]en[d]ing these [h]i[s]to[r]i[c]ally [d]iv[i]ne notions, [o]f t[i]me, [o]f [b]eing, [o]f [p]la[c]ement, [o]f Fir[s]t [C]auses.
12— 418:523 .799
[P]erha[p]s [w]hat [w][e] n[ee]d is a [r][i]go[r]o[u][s] [i]d[i]o[c]y. [I]t’[s] entire[l]y po[s]s[i][b]le, as I’m [n]ow thinking a[b]out it, that with [r]e[g]ard to th[e]se [n]otions w[e] should [e]m[p]loy [n]othing [e]x[c]e[p]t a [r][i][g]o[r]o[u][s] [i]d[i]o[c][y], that [r][ea]son and [s]ound [l]ogi[c] [h]ave ab[s]o[l]ute[l]y no p[l]a[c]e [h]ere, in the [r]ealm of [m]etaph[y]s[i][c]s. That in or[d]er to w[r]a[p] our [m][i]nds a[r]ound these [i]deas, [l][i]ke [b]eing in two [p][l]a[c]es at on[c]e, of [b]eing [b]oth w[i]th[i]n and out[s][i]de of [t][i]me, of [t][i]me [b]eing e[s]sentia[ll][y] [n]on-[l]i[n]ear [a]s much [a]s it’[s] e[s]sentia[ll][y] [l]i[n]ear, of time [p]er[c][ei]ving [u][s] as [m][u]ch as w[e] [p]erc[ei]ve it, that we [m][u][s]t [b]e[c]o[m]e [m]ore [i]d[i]oti[c] than we’[v]e e[v]er [b]een, that [i][f] we con[t]inue [t]o a[tt][e]m[p]t [t]o [p]a[ss] our[s]elves o[ff] as in[t]e[l]lig[e]nt—[w]ell, [w]e’ll [c]on[t]inue to [f][l]ou[n]der in the [s]to[ch]a[s]ti[c] b[r][ee]zes that [r]i[pp]le a[r]ound th[e]se [c]o[n][c]e[p]ts. [S]ans [i]d[i]o[c]y, these [c]o[n][c]epts will [c]o[n]tinue to ex[i][s]t in a shroud of m[y][s]tery, not [th]at [th]ey [c]an ever [b]e known fu[ll][y], that's un[l]i[k]e[l][y], [i]t’[s] mo[r]e o[r] [l]e[ss] [i]m[p]o[ss]i[b]le, [b]ut if we em[p][l]oy the [p]ro[p]er amount of [i][d][i]o[c]y, of [r][i]go[r]o[u][s] [i][d][i]o[c][y], it’[s] [p]o[ss][i]ble [th]at [th]e m[y][s]te[r][y] these [c]on[c]e[p]ts are sh[r]ou[d]e[d] in [c]ould b[e] am[e][l]io[r]ated to a [d]eg[r][ee]. We [c]o[n][c]e[p]tua[l]ize a [F]ir[s]t [C]ause, [a] One, [a] [c]o[n][c]e[p]t that may, in [f]a[c]t, be ne[c]e[ss]ary [f]o[r] ou[r] [s][p]e[c]ies to exi[s]t, at [l][ea][s]t [s]o[c]ia[ll][y], it very well [c]ould be [th]e [c]a[s]e [th]at we [c]an only exi[s]t [l]ogi[c]a[ll][y] w[i]th th[i][s] i[d]ea of [F]ir[s]t [C]ause or One pre[c]e[d]ing u[s]. Otherwise, [s]ans [F]ir[s]t [C]ause, [s][a]ns a Be[g]inning, we [h]ardly [h]ave an ar[g]ument [f]or linear time, and i[f] we’re deprived of a [l]ogi[c]al argu[m]ent [f]or [l]inear time, then how [c]an we [m]a[k]e [s]e[n][s]e of a[n]ything? [I]t’[s] [i][m]po[ss]ible to [m]a[k]e [s]e[n][s]e of a[n]ything, i[n] the [t]rad[i]t[i]onal [s]e[n][s]e, [s]a[n]s linear [t]ime. I[f] [t]ime [f]ails to pro[c][ee]d [l]inear[l][y], at [l][ea][s]t [f]or u[s], i[f] we’re ho[pp]in[g] and [s][k]i[pp]in[g] w[i][l]l[y] n[i][l]l[y] in the [f][a]bri[c] of time, i[n] [p]ure[l]y [n]on[l]i[n]ear [m][a][nn]e[r]s, then [n]othing [c]an [m]a[k]e [s]en[s]e [f]or u[s]. We’re [l]itera[ll]y [s]en[s]e[l]e[ss]. [S]an[s] a [F]ir[s]t Cause, we're [l]itera[ll]y [s]en[s]e[l]e[ss]. [T]i[m]e [m]ea[n]s [n]othing. [T]ime, it [s][ee][m]s to [m][e], is [s]ome[th]ing [th]at one can on[l][y] [i]nve[s]tigate [i]d[i]oti[c]al[l][y].
13— 538:727 .740
Or am I just b[e]ing [s][i]l[l][y]? Am I [s][i]mp[l][y] [s]u[cc]umbing to a [s][p]e[c]i[f]i[c] [t]y[p]e of [s]i[l]l[i]ne[ss], [a]s I’m [a][p]t to do [f]rom [t]ime [t]o [t]ime? [M][o]st, it should b[e] [n][o]ted, who k[n][o]w [m][e] k[n][o]w [m][e] to b[e] pr[o]ne to [s]u[c]cumbing to [s]i[l]line[ss] from [t]ime [t]o [t]ime? Am I [b]eing [m][e][l]od[r][a][m]ati[c] [b]y [e]xt[r][a][p]o[l]at[i]ng [m]y [i]ntense [i]m[p][r]essio[n] [f]ollowing [m]y waking [u]p [f]r[o]m [m]y [d][r]eam, am I [m][e][l]o[d][r][a][m]atica[l]ly [e]xt[r][a][p]o[l]ating th[a]t [i]m[p][r]ession just a [l]ittle too [f]ar b[y] [i]m[p][l][y]ing this [f]e[m]ale, who e[n]g[a]ged me i[n] a sexual [l]i[a]ison, [m]ight have bee[n] a[n] [a]ngel or a de[m]o[n]? Yet on [th]e o[th]er hand I should note [th]is, it was a[c]tually [q]u[i]te [s]ome t[i]me [a]g[o], [s][o] long [a]g[o] in [f][a][c]t th[a]t I was [p]r[a][c]ti[c]a[l]ly, now [th]at I [th]in[k] of it, [m]o[r]e o[r] [l][e][ss] a[n] a[d]o[l][e][s]ce[n]t, [d]e[s][p]ite being a [f]u[l]ly grown [m]an. At the t[i][m]e [I] was looking [f]o[r] a[p]art[m]ents with [m]y [f]athe[r]—the [f]i[r][s]t a[p]art[m]ent I’d lea[s]e on [m]y own, and [w]e [w]ere [d]o[w]n[t]o[w]n, the [t]wo of us, [l]oo[k]ing [a]t [a]n [a]partme[n]t I [d]i[d]n't [r]ea[l][i]ze at the t[i]me was [r]ent-[c]ont[r]olled, mea[n]ing ar[b]it[r]a[r]y [c]a[p]s were [p]l[a]ced on the in[c]ome of the [t]e[n]ants in order to re[t][ai]n e[l][i]gi[b][i][l][i]ty, [w]hi[ch] of [c]ou[r]se [w]as the [r]eason [w]hy the [a]pa[r]tments [w]ere s[u][ch] [a] g[r]eat deal. [L]ucki[l][y] enou[gh] [f]or [m][e] [m]y [s]a[l]a[r][y] [a]t th[a]t time was [i]n[s]u[ff][i]cient and [p]altr[y], [s]o I [s]till [m]anaged to [q]ua[l]i[f]y [f]or the a[p]art[m]e[n]t de[s][p]ite the [r]e[n]t [c]ont[r]ol [r]e[q]uire[m]ents, had I waited the time ne[c]e[ss]ary for [o]ne to [b]e[c][o]me availa[b]le, [b]ut, wh[i]le [I] [d]id add my [n][a]me to the w[ai]tli[s]t, I [d]i[d]n't wait the time [n]e[c]e[ss]ary, [b]ecause I [s]igned a [l][ea][s]e on an apart[m]ent thr[ee] [m]iles [n]orth of [d]o[w]nto[w]n [l]e[s]s than a w[ee]k [l]ater. I was [s]tand[i]ng [i]n a [q]uarter-em[p]ty [p]ar[k]ing [l]ot i[n] a[n] area of [d]o[w]nto[w]n where n[o] [l]ess than half a [d]ozen [p]r[i]vate[l]y [o]wned [p]ar[k]ing [l]ots [s]at [s][i]de [b][y] [s][i]de [b][y] [s][i]de, all with [r]easona[b]le short-[t]erm [r]ates. This [p]ar[t]i[c]ular a[r]e[a] of do[w]nto[w]n, [a]t th[a]t [p]oint in [t]ime, was a [f]ruit[f]ul [a]re[a] socia[ll]y—there were a [p][l]etho[r]a of vi[b][r]ant [b]ars and [r]e[s]tau[r]ants, al[s]o [s][i]de [b][y] [s][i]de [b][y] [s][i]de, that m[y][s]el[f] a[n]d others e[n]joyed [f][r]e[q]uenting, that were [r]out[i]nel[y] [p][a][ck]ed [f][r]om [a][f]tern[o]on t[o] [e]venin[g]. Now, [b]y [c]om[p]a[r]i[s]on, i[f] you wal[k] [th]rough [th]at [s]ame a[r]ea of [d]o[w]nto[w]n, [b]y [m]y [c][ou]nt, [m]ore th[a]n h[a]l[f] of those [b]ars and [r]estau[r]ants are shut [d]o[w]n [f]or good. Whereas I [u]sed t[o] [f]requent that [p]art of [d]o[w]nto[w]n, ho[pp]ing be[t]w[ee]n [t]wo o[r] thr[ee] o[r] [f]ou[r] [v]enues, ha[v]ing a [f]ruit[f]ul ex[p]erience [s][o]cially—now [i]t's [a]lm[o][s]t [a]s [i]f th[a]t a[r]ea of do[w]nto[w]n has aged [r]ight [a]long with me. As my [s][o]cial [a]ct[i]v[i]ty has waned, [a]t least with rega[r]d to hopping from [b]a[r] to [b]a[r], the a[c]t[i]v[i]ty of th[i][s] [s]e[c]tion of do[w]nto[w]n has [w]aned as [w]ell. As I've be[c]ome [l]ess [l]i[k]e[l]y to [p]o[p] out on a Wednes[d]ay a[f]tern[oo]n [t][o] [t][wo] o[r] three o[r] [f]ou[r] [p]l[a][c]es, this area of [d]o[w]nto[w]n has [b]een una[b]le to [s]u[s]t[ai]n [b]usine[ss]e[s] [th]at u[s]ed to [th]rive on [p]eo[p]le [p]o[pp]ing out on Wednesd[a]y a[f]ternoons, ho[pp]ing [f]rom two o[r] three o[r] [f]ou[r] [p]laces.
14— 535:727 .735
There a[r]e, in fa[c]t, ha[r]dly any [b]a[r]s or [r]e[s]tau[r]ants that are [s]till open on the [b]lo[ck]. There’s [b]een a [g]ar[g]antuan [F]or [L][ea][s]e [s]ign on the [l]arge[s]t ven[u]e [f]or [y][ea]rs now, and the [p]la[c]es that should [b]e o[p]en for [b]usi[n]e[s]s on a [l][a]te [w]eekd[a]y a[f]ter[n]oon are [n][o] [l]onger [o][p]en for [b]usi[n]e[s]s on [l][a]te [w]eekd[a]y a[f]ter[n]oons, whereas in p[r][e]v[i]ous y[ea]rs eve[r][y] [b]ar and [r]e[s]tau[r][a]nt [o]n the [b][l]o[ck] would have [b]een [b]u[s]t[l]ing with [b]usi[n]e[s]smen, e[cc]entri[c]s, [a]nd [a]l[c]oho[l]i[c]s, [n]ow th[e]se s[a]me [v]enues [d][o]n’t [e][v]e[n] [o]pe[n] their [d]oors until l[a]ter at night, if at all. I’ve [w]al[k]ed [th]rough [th]at [b]lo[ck] mul[t]i[p]le [t]imes ho[p]ing [t]o [p]o[p] in[t]o ju[s]t [o]ne [o]ld [b]ar or [o]ne [o]ld [r]e[s]tau[r]ant for ju[s]t [o]ne [d][r]in[k], and I’ve [d]i[s][c]o[v]ered e[v]ery [s]ingle [b]ar that’s [s]tayed in [b]usiness on that [b][l]o[ck] [c][l]osed to [c]u[s]tomers [a]t th[a]t time. A [b]ar [i]n a [b]usin[e][s]s [d][i][s]t[r][i][c]t [r][ea]ll[y] has [n]o ex[c]use [f]or [n]ot [b]eing o[p]en [b]y [f]our [p]m on a w[ee][k][d]ay. It’[s] a[b][s]ur[d] for a [b]ar [i]n a [b]usin[e][ss] [d][i][s]tr[i][c]t to [b]e [c]losed for [b]usine[ss] [a]t th[a]t time, yet th[a]t's ex[a][c]t[l]y what's h[a]ppened to this [b][l]o[ck], it's now a [d]ead [b][l]o[c]k, it's a [b][l]o[c]k that's more or [l]ess officia[ll][y] [d]e[c][ea][s]ed [s]ocia[ll][y]. I[n] a[n][y] [c]a[s]e, years ago, [w]hen I [w]as [l]oo[k]ing [f]or my [f]ir[s]t apart[m]ent with [m]y d[a]d, st[a]nding in a [q]uarter-em[p]ty [p]ar[k]ing [l][o]t on this very b[l][o][ck], I [s][e]nt a t[e]xt m[e][ss]age to a younger g[i][r]l I u[s]ed to fl[i][r]t with—although we n[e]ver [e]ng[a]ged in a [s][e]xual li[a]ison, but there was [p]e[r]ha[p]s a [sh]ared inte[r]e[s]t fo[r] a [sh]ort [p]e[r]iod, [p]erha[p]s we both [c][a]me to the [c]on[c][l]usio[n] e[n]g[a]gi[n]g i[n] a sexual [l]i[a]ison, although [t]em[p][t]ing, was ill-advised, that for on[c]e in the [c]our[s]e of [h]uman [h]i[s]to[r]y [p]eo[p]le should [r]e[f][r][ai]n [f][r]om eng[a]ging in any [s]ort of ill-ad[v]ised [l]i[ai]son, [s]o we de[v]e[l]o[p]ed a [f][r]iendshi[p] of [s]orts. It was a [sh]a[ll]ow [f][r]iend[sh]ip, as mo[s]t [f]riend[sh]ips that [r]e[s]ult [f][r]om [s][t][a]ved o[ff] [s]exual li[ai][s]ons [t]end to b[e], th[e]se are of cour[s]e the [m]o[s]t [sh]allow and in[s][i][p]id friend[sh][i][p]s i[m]agi[n]a[b][l]e, they’re inter[m]i[n]a[b][l]e [a]nd [a][s]i[n]ine, but th[i]s part[i]cular f[r]iendsh[i]p [w]as [r]e[w]arding [i]n [i]ts own [w]ay. [S]o sure, a[r]ound [th]i[s] [t]ime, in [th]i[s] [p]arking [l]ot, I [s][e]nt her a [t][e]xt m[e][ss]age [t]o no re[p][l]y, and I k[n]ew then, [s]omehow or a[n]other, in[s]ti[n]ctua[l]ly I [s]u[pp]ose [I] k[n]ew that [I] wouldn’t get a [r]e[p]l[y], [th]at [th]e friend[sh][i][p] had [r]un [i]t[s] cour[s]e, that it’[s] [p]ure[l]y [sh]a[ll]ow and [i]n[s][i][p][i]d nature was [a]b[u]n[d]ant[l]y evi[d]ent [t][o] the [t]w[o] of us, [a]nd [th][a]t [th]e o[th]er [p]arty, [th]is younger girl, had taken it u[p]on her[s][e]l[f] to [s][e]ver the [f]ri[e]ndshi[p] on[c]e and [f]or all. I've [c]ea[s]ed to [c]o[mm]uni[c][a]te with her [s]in[c]e, yet de[s][p]ite the ulti[m]ate[l]y sha[ll]ow and [i]n[s][i][p][i]d [n][a]ture of th[i]s friendsh[i][p], [d]e[s][p]ite the [f]a[c]t we never [c]ro[ss]ed the l[i]ne, [s]o to [s][p]ea[k], [f]or [s]ome r[ea]son [I] [f]elt a [s]ort of [n]on[s]en[s]i[c]al [d][ee][p] hurt, a [p]ain[f]ul [l]onging of [s]orts, rooted i[n] e[ss]entia[l]ly [n]othing, [s]tand[i]ng [i]n that [p]ar[k]ing [l]ot, k[n][o]wing I'd [n]ever hear [f]rom thi[s] [p]er[s]on again, who I had [n][o] [ph]ys[i][c]al rela[ti]on[sh][i][p] w[i]th and who I had a[n] [e][n]tire[l]y [sh]a[ll]ow a[n]d i[n]si[p]id [e]mo[ti]onal re[l]a[ti]on[sh][i][p] w[i]th.
15— 337:449 .751
It wasn't [th]at lon[g] a[g]o [th]at [I] was [r]e[m][i]n[d]ed of thi[s] t[e]xt [m][e][s]sage [r]an[d]om[l][y], I’d n[ea]r[l][y] entire[l][y] [r]e[m]oved thi[s] [p]er[s]on f[r]om [m]y [m]e[m]o[r][y], ju[s]t as y[ea]rs [p][r]ior she’d [s]i[m]i[l]ar[l][y] [r]e[m]oved [m][e] from her [m]e[m]o[r][y], [a]nd I felt [a]n odd pang in [m]y [s]to[m]a[c]h as I re[c]alled thi[s] [t][e]xt [m][e][ss]age. Was[n]'t the e[n][t]ire [p]oint of [t]urning [a]w[ay] from [e][n]g[a]ging i[n] these [s]exual li[a]iso[n]s to [a]void [s]uch [p]angs? Don't we [a]ll ju[s]t inveteratel[y] [a][s]s[u]me that [p]angs in our [s]to[m]a[c]hs [a]l[m]o[s]t ex[c][l][u][s]ive[l][y] res[u]lt fr[o]m [s]exual [l]iaisons? And don’t we [a]ll then [a]void [s]exual [l]iaisons [p]ure[l][y] in [a][tt]em[p]ts [t]o [a]void [p]angs in our [s]to[m]achs? Yet [i]n th[i][s] ca[s]e, a [p]e[r][s]on I [m]atu[r]e[l][y] avoi[d]ed engag[i]ng w[i]th [s]exual[l][y], and [v]i[c]e [v]er[s]a, of cour[s]e, who I in[s]t[ea]d dev[e][l]o[p]ed a [c]om[p][l][e]te[l][y] [sh]a[ll]ow and [i]ns[i][p][i]d frie[n]d[sh]i[p] with, e[n]ded u[p] [c]ausing [m]e a [p]ang in [m]y [s]to[m]a[c]h, all be[c]ause I [s][e]nt her a [t][e]xt [m][e][s]sage [t]o [n][o] re[p]ly, k[n][o]wing the an[k]le d[ee][p] f[r]iendship w[e]’d [h]arbored [h]ad [r]un its [c]ourse and [c]ome to a [c]on[c]lusion. My [p]oint [i]n all [th][i][s] [i]s [th]at [th]e [f]ir[s]t o[b][j]ection the ave[r]a[g]e [p]er[s]on would [r]aise to [i][d]enti[f][y]ing the [b][e]ing in my [d]r[ea]m [a]s [a]n an[g]el would [b]e the [f]act the two of u[s] e[n]g[a][g]ed i[n] a [s]exual li[a]ison—yet what [I]’ve ju[s]t [d]e[s]c[r][i]bed [s]u[g]ge[s]ts that [p]erha[p]s there's no [d]ifferen[c]e in our [r]ela[ti]on[sh]i[p]s with [p]eo[p]le, that w[e] [c]an't dis[c]rimin[a]te [b]etw[ee]n [r]el[a][ti]on[sh]ips [b][a]sed o[n] whether or not a [s]exual li[a]iso[n] o[cc]urred. Th[a]t [p]erh[a][p]s d[i][s]t[i]ngu[i][sh][i]ng rel[a][ti]on[sh][i]ps [b][a][s]ed on whether or not they feature a [s]e[x]ual [e][x]ch[a]nge has [b]een a g[r]o[s]s [e][r]ror on our [p]art. Th[a]t [p]erh[a][p]s we shoul[d]n't [a] [p][r]io[r]i [a][ss]ert that [a]ngels [d]on't [e]ng[a]ge in [s]exual [l]i[a]isons with u[s]. [B]ecause it’s [e]ntire[l]y [p]ossi[b]le they do, and [th]at [th]ere’s really nothing wrong with a[n] an[g]el e[n]g[a][g]ing u[s] [i]n th[i][s] ty[p]e of [l]i[a]ison, [s]exua[ll]y.
16— 374:474 .789
[S]o we can’t rule out entire[l]y the [p]o[ss][i][b][i][l][i]t[y] [th]at [th][i][s] [b][e]ing—de[s][p]ite e[n]g[a]ging m[e] i[n] a [s]exual [l]i[a]ison, in a [s]mall [p][l]etho[r]a of [r][a]cial [f]orms—was still, i[n] [f]a[c]t, a[n] angel [p]ointing me toward the [f]a[c]t my [l]i[f]e, in [l]arge [p]art, [f]o[ll]owed the [p][a][th] of [Ea]stern Or[th]odox[y]. The [m][a][th]e[m][a][t]i[ci]an, [a][tt]e[m][p][t]ing [t]o [i]nf[i]n[i]tely ext[r][a][p]olate the [m][a][ss]ive a[ss]um[p][ti]ons that are [r][ea]l world [i]ntegers, [i]s, [i]n e[ss][e]n[c]e, a com[p][l][e]te [ch]ar[l]atan. For [e]ons w[e]'ve a[ss]umed [s]exual [r]e[l][a][ti]ons t[ai]nt [r]e[l][a][ti]on[sh]ips, that on[c]e a [s]exual [l]ine is [c][r]o[ss]ed, [th]en [th]e [r]e[l]a[ti]on[sh]ip will [b][e] i[rr]evo[c]a[b][l][y] [t]ainted, yet w[e]’ve never [c]on[s]idered that [t]ainting [c]a[n] a[n]d will o[cc]ur [e]ven [s]a[n]s [s]ex. Yet [p]erha[p]s we’re [m]a[k]ing [t]oo [m]uch of the all[e]ged [d]i[s]tin[c]tio[n] be[t]w[ee]n angels and [d][e][m]ons as w[e]ll. Th[a]t just [a]s [p]erh[a][p]s we’ve [m][a]de too [m]uch of the [d]i[s][t]inctio[n] be[t]ween [s]e[x]ual and [n]on-[s]e[x]ual rel[a]tio[n]s, we're [n]ow [m]a[k]ing [t]oo [m]uch of the [d]i[s][t]in[c]tio[n] be[t]w[ee]n angels and [d][e][m]ons. It should be [n][o]te[d] that [e][v]en [D]io[n][y][s]iu[s] [n][o]te[d] that pure [e][v]il, [i]f [i]t [w]ere to [e]xi[s]t, [w]ould imm[e][d][i]atel[y] [c][ea][s]e to [e]xi[s]t, because [e]ve[r]y[th]ing [th]at [e]xi[s]ts is [d]e[r]i[v]ati[v]e of the One, wh[i]ch [i]s [i]nca[p]able of [p][r]o[d]u[c]ing [p]ure [e][v]il, and that [e][v]en re[l]ati[v]e [e][v][i]l [i]s [s][i]m[p][l]y a [f]un[c]tion of [p]ur[s]uing aims ina[pp][r]o[p][r][i]ate to a b[e]ing's [p][r]o[p]er [f]un[c]tion, that [e]ve[n] [d][e][m]o[n]s are onl[y] [d]e[m]on[i]c [i]n their [d]i[s]tan[c]e fr[o]m the [O]ne, not in a [s][e][n]se of re[p]res[e][n]ting [p]ure [e]vil, [b][e]cause were they to [b][e] [p]ure [e]vil they would [c][ea][s]e to [e]xi[s]t. [E][s]sentially, this view [p]ur[p]orts [th]at [th]ere’s no [f]un[d]a[m]en[t]al [d]i[s][t]inction betw[ee]n a[n] angel a[n]d a [d][e][m]on, ju[s]t a [d][i][ff]er[e]n[c]e in the a[pp][r]o[p][r]i[a]ten[e][ss] of their [ai]ms. Whereas an [a]ngel [p]ursues the [ai]ms a[pp][r][o][p][r]ia[t]e to it, in the [p][r]o[p]er [p][r][o][p]ortion to its being, a de[m]on [p]ur[s]ues the [ai]ms [m]o[r]e o[r] le[s]s ina[pp][r][o][p][r]ia[t]e to i[t], [s]t[r][ay]ing from its [p][r]o[p]er [p][r][o][p]ortions.
17— 449:620 .724
Now as it [r]egards [m]y d[r][ea]m, a b[e]ing [t]ook [m][u]l[t]iple [r][a]cial [f]o[r]ms yet [r]e[t][ai]ned the [s][a]me e[ss]en[c]e, [m][u]ch like our [d]ual yet [m]oni[s]t [f]o[r]mu[l][a]tion, and [th]en [th]ere were two [d]ar[k] and [f]orm[l]e[ss] [b]ei[n]gs i[n] the [b]a[ck][s]eat—[p]erha[p]s [s]igni[f]ying [th]e evil [th]at’s im[p]o[ss]i[b]le to exi[s]t, that [i]s [s]tr[i][pp]ed of [b][e]ing as [s]oon as it [b]e[c]omes [s][o]-[c]alled [p]ure [e]vil. [S][o] [p]erha[p]s these two dar[k] [f]ormle[ss] [b][e]ings were the non-exi[s]te[n]t iter[a]tions of [m][y][s]el[f] and [m][y] [c]om[p]anion, [p]o[s]si[b]l[y] an [a]ngel. Now thi[s] [b][e]ing, [p]erha[p]s an [a]nge[l], or [p]erha[p]s a d[e][m]on, who [t]ook [m]ul[t]i[p]le r[a]cial [f]o[r]ms, eventuall[y] [i]n[f]o[r]med [m][e], [i]n this [c]ar with the two [s]mall [sh]a[p]e[l]e[ss] forms [s][i]tt[i]ng [i]n the ba[ck][s]eat, that [sh]e had to go [s]outh of the [M]issou[r]i, to which I [c]o[r]re[c]ted her: Don't you [m]ean [s]outh of the [M][i][ss][i][ss][i][pp]i? Yet we should now [c]o[n]si[d]er that [p]erha[p]s my [c]o[r]re[c]tion was, i[n] the [c]o[n]text of the [d][r]eam, [e][n]tire[l]y i[n][c]o[r]re[c]t. By [e]m[p][l]oying the ph[r]ase South of the Missou[r][i] this b[e]ing was [p]erha[p]s [d]i[r]e[c]t[l][y] im[p][l]ying [th]at [th]ere are [n]o [n][ea]t [d]i[s]tin[c]tions—that [d]ua[l]ity is an i[ll]usion, [th]at [th]i[s] i[d]ea that a [s]tate can [b][e] n[ea]t[l][y] [d]iv[i][d]ed [b][y] a [M][i][ss][i][ss][i][pp][i] [i]s a [m][i][s]gui[d]ed a[pp]roach, [th]at [th]is [b][e]i[n]g, whether an angel or [d][e][m]o[n], in f[a][c]t wouldn’t e[m]erge on [s]ome other [s][i]de [p]re[c][i][s]e[l]y be[c]ause there is n[o] [a][c]tual o[th]er [s]ide, there’s [o]n[l]y a [s][e][p]a[r]ate [r][e][l]ative [p][l]a[c]e. And [w]hen I [w][o]ke up, I [f]elt as th[ou]gh m[y] [l][i][f]e had always [f]o[ll]owed [th]e path of Ea[s]tern Or[th]o[d]oxy, but [i]n th[i][s] [e]mbra[c]e I was a[cc]epting the [n]on-[d]ual [n]ature of our [e]xi[s]ten[c]e inasmuch as I was [a][cc][e]pting [a]nything [e]l[s]e. I [e]m[b]ra[c]ed Ea[s]tern Orthodoxy a[f]ter [e]ng[a]ging i[n] a [s]exual li[a]iso[n] with a [b][e]ing who [t]ook mul[t]iple r[a]cial [f]orms, who l[e][f]t [m]e to [s][e]ttle, not [s]outh of the [M][i][ss][i][ss][i]ppi, [b]ut [r]ather [s]outh of the [M]issou[r]i—and o[pp]osite of the [b]oth of u[s] were two [s]mall dar[k] [f]orms who [c]om[p][l][e]te[l][y] [l]a[ck]ed [B][e]ing, [s]igni[f]ying the im[p]o[ss][i][b][i][l][i]t[y] of [p]ure [e]vil. My [d][r]eam a[pp][r]o[p][r]iatel[y] [r]e[p][r]oached thi[s] i[d]ea of t[r][ue] [d][u]alit[y], of [p]ure good and [p]ure evil, [r]e[p][l]a[c]ing this ab[s]o[l][u]te [d][u]a[l]it[y] [w]ith a [r]e[l]ative [d]ua[l]it[y] [w][i]th[i]n the One, of [w]hich [a]ll Good and [a]ll [B]eing o[r][i]g[i][n]ates, [b]oth [i]n t[r]an[s]cenden[c]e and i[m]ma[n]en[c]e. I then [r]econ[c][i]led [m][y][s]elf w[i]th th[i][s] [b]eing that went [s]outh of the [M]issouri—and [p]erha[p]s this [b][e]in[g] wasn't l[ea]vin[g] [m]e as [m]uch as [g]uiding [m]e, [g]iving me hints [n]ot on where to g[o], [n][o], she wasn't [s][ay]ing where I should [g]o or [s][t][ay], she was in[s][t]ead [g]uiding [m][e] on how to r[ea]d a [m]ap.
18— 415:582 .713
[E]ven Dion[y][s][i]us [s]t[a]ted outright, ‘One [s]ays of [G]od, the cause of all [g]ood, that h[e] [i]s “[i]n[e][b]r[i][a]ted”’—[a]nd with th[a]t in [m][i]nd, against [m][y] [b]etter judg[m]ent, I poured [m]y[s]el[f] a ni[c]e gla[ss] of vodka l[a][s]t [S][a]tur[d]ay be[f]ore [m][y] girl[f]riend and [I] [d][i]ned out, knowing all [t]oo [w]ell that [w]e [p]lanned [t]o go [t]o the bar [p][r]ior [t]o our [r]eservation, for a [c]o[ck]tail. My [s][i]g[n][i]f[i][c]ant other ag[r]eed to [a][c]t [a]s our [d]esig[n]ated [d][r]iver for the [n]ight, and I’d [s]pent the [e]ntire wee[k] a[b][s]taining from [e]very [c]on[s]u[m]a[b]le item [e]x[c]ept water, [c]o[ff][ee], heart[y] grains, and [f]roz[e]n v[e]geta[b]les, and [I] [f][e]lt as though [I] deserved a [n][i]ce, i[n]e[b]riated [n][i]ght. [I] [s][ai]d to m[y][s][e]lf [Y]ou know what?—[y]ou’ve [r][i]go[r][ou][s][l][y] [d]e[n]ied [y]our[s]elf p[l]easure thi[s] w[ee]k, and you [d]eserve a [n][i]ght [w]here you [g]o out and [g]et [w]h[i][t]e girl [w]a[s]ted. [S]o [I] im[b][i]bed a [c]o[ck]tail [b]e[f]ore the [c]o[ck]tail, and [w]hen [w]e a[r]r[i]ved at the [b]ar, [w]aiting [f]or our [f][r]iends to m[e]et us, w[e] t[r]ied to [p][r]olong the [c]o[ck]t[ai]l and m[a][k]e a [p]erf[e][c]t s[e]gw[ay] i[n]to the di[nn]er—un[f]o[r]tunatel[y], I’d [f][i]n[i]shed my [c]o[ck]tail [f]irst, and in[c]orre[c]tl[y] [a]ssu[m]ing I had [a]nother ten to [f]i[f]teen [m]inutes be[f]o[r]e ou[r] [f][r]ie[n]ds [a][r]rived, [s]o I ordered a [s]e[c]ond [c]o[ck]tail, y[e]t as [s]oon as the [s][e][c]ond [c]o[ck]tail [a][r]rived our f[r]iends [a]l[s]o [a][rr]ived, and then [w]e [w]ere [s][a]t [a]t the table [w]here, [n][ee]d[l]e[ss] to [s]ay, w[e] imm[e][d]iate[l][y] o[r][d]ered a [n]i[c]e bottle of [r]ed wine. [S]o [r]ather than [s]avo[r]ing my [s]e[c]ond [c]o[ck]tail at the [b]ar a[n]d the[n] [b]eginning our [b][o]ttle [o]f [w]ine, I [w]as [c]on[c]urre[n]tly f[i]n[i]sh[i]ng my [s]e[c]o[n]d [c]o[ck]tai[l] [w]h[i]le al[s]o [s]tarting our [b]ottle of [w][i]ne. [B]e[f]ore [I] knew it [I] was tho[r]oughly [d][r]un[k], I [b]e[c]ame e[n]thusia[s]ti[c]all[y] in[e][b]r[i]ated, [a]nd [I] [f]elt [a]s though [I] [d]eserved it—I [f]elt as though I [d]eserved to [b][e] in[e][b]r[i]ated, to [c]o[mm]ent u[p]on a [s][m]all [h]and[f]ul of to[p]i[c]s that I [p][r]o[b]a[b]ly should [h]ave [r]e[m]ained [s]ilent a[b]out, to [b]a[bb]le [a][b]out and [u][p]on [a] [p]ot[p]ourri of issues th[a]t [p]erh[a][p]s would have [b]een [b][e]tter l[e]ft unaddr[e]ssed. [B]ut [s]ometimes [i]t’[s] [i]m[p]ortant to [d]o things [s]olely out of [a][b][u]n[d]an[c]e, to [b]e[c]o[m]e [c]omp[l][e]te[l][y] in[e][b][r][i][a]ted, [t]o lose all [t]ouch with [c]ohe[r]en[c]y and [r]e[s]t[r][ai]nt, and to e[n]g[a]ge i[n] a [c]om[p][l][e]te[l][y] mi[s]gui[d]ed [c]onver[s][a]tion [p]ure[l][y] out of [a]b[u]n[d]an[c]e. The [F]irst [C]ause, [n]o [m]atter what [f]orm we g[i]ve [i]t, [n]o [m]atter how it[s] extensions [m]ay or [m]ay [n]ot [c]o[mm]uni[c]ate with u[s]—[i]s [i]f [n]othing el[s]e [s]uper[a]b[u]ndant.
An Anime Opera That Doesn’t Exist
© 2023
I.
(.783)
Flipping myself ass up at the colonoscopy before it was appropo, there’s no longer a notion of sanctity in abstract expressionism, quantum mechanics and nonlocal relations or something, John Bell was correct about the physical universe, writing ‘muttering my constant curiosity got in the way of my suicide to myself’ in a somewhat ironic tone but muttering nothing at all—the older woman had no interest in geriatric footwear yet wouldn't stop speaking to me of my destiny after eight o'clock at the Wrentham outlets, aged thirty six Portuguese dancers inform you in minute detail of your own acute misery then walk away unconcerned, this is why Christ had his feet rubbed—
II.
(.816)
Dip down like a quick bath into the DMT-like essence of what seems poetic, breakfast and coffee spots close so quickly, yet I find myself yearning for an Americano and omelet a little after four, the clouds over one forty six south consistently look like oil paint, prior to the mental health revolution adolescents were forced to internalize trauma, many of them becoming complete assholes in the process, I've soured on the beach, skin care I suppose has become a bit of a priority, sand is somewhat of an annoyance—
III.
(.692)
Two midgets eating delicious looking rice bowls at Xaco Taco, repeating the phrases ‘there is no image,’ ‘there is no memory,’ there’s no image and there’s no memory, sans image and memory we can start to approach the fundamental nature of the universe as such, triple egg omelet with the kalamata olives, a chest crevice stained in a permanent ink of sorts, cuddly beavers eat vegetables from the hands of well intentioned human beings, the small bottles of soju were only eight bucks a piece—
IV.
(.847)
The saki at Somo was possibly the worst alcoholic beverage I've ever sipped, the can looked like an anime juicebox, it appealed to me, it struck me Tiny Bar had a pretense about it that just struck me as completely out of line, people from various backgrounds making fast friends as I ate breakfast out on the patio at Domenic’s, considering going to Chilango’s, once again deciding against it, the condo complex looked like total shit, real estate as an investment has always struck me as less than a no brainer—
V.
(.888)
Blue light eyeglasses with the black wire rims I look like a complete douchebag, there's a document titled password is password with the dollar signs after the ‘A’, Proust was a renowned fan of male prostitutes—they think Nietzsche died of syphilis, in my mind I'm the last of a long line, made American English into Ancient Greek—consider me the twelfth Constantine, genocides are just a matter of taste, ‘anatoli’ just means East—
VI.
(.711)
Gregory of Nazianzus implicitly understood the nature of quantum physics, of nonlocal relations, it's possible the Occident has clung to an initial linguistic reversal, a reversal creating an illusion of perspective, it's possible the perspectivism discovered by people like Nietzsche was in fact a simple byproduct of this initial reversal of the Occident, this idea of a perspective, it seems totally illogical to me, no pun intended, ice hookah with the tzatziki I wasn't quite in my right mind at the time, samurai sword in Washington Park, the car seat saw too much, videography is archaic in retrospect, the science of phonetics is still ambiguous, the conversation faded of its own accord—
VII.
(.707)
Siberia is beautiful this time of year, all art is not necessarily ipso facto for everyone, the flesh of the human being wasn't universally appealing, believe it or not, emotional baggage lost in transit after I woke from a strange dream, my yiayia informing me she's out of sorts with smudged lipstick as I clutch a nephew that isn't mine, there are many regional differences to take into account, we construct linear states in retrospect then spit on a street in Izmir, the rolled down window was like a picture frame, memory was juvenile delinquents spraying graffiti, the Providence cop was satisfied with the answer we're just conversing—
VIII.
(.753)
The unspecified bug trapped in the spider web on the railing of the employer's entrance made me consider metaphors or something, the cashier at Job Lot of ambiguous ethnicity needs to employ social media to assist her pursuit of establishing herself as a photographer, her favorite food is pizza, the colonoscopy was unsuccessfully rescheduled on two occasions, it struck me that ‘Russian whore’ is one of the few misogynist phrases still acceptable to say aloud in so-called mixed company, sure it was nice enough to have the assistance of Giovanni Guistinianibut not if he insisted on retreating the first time his chest caved in—
IX.
(.695)
I found Marios Philippides’ monograph on the last Constantine to be so pro-Latin to be nearly unreadable, which was unsurprising because it seems as though there are almost no true Greek intellectuals in the West, only faux-Greek intellectuals that shamelessly sell out their own history, who rubber stamp Anglo assertions that the Hellenic era ended after Socrates fondled Alcibiades, I often have an urge to spit on these so-called intellectuals, these scholastic imbeciles, these Levantine Benedict Arnolds, these cowards of the spirit, while I painstakingly transform American English into Koine Greek I have to deal with people of my own ancestry obfuscating in the service of secular popes, when there's nothing below a secular pope, it's why at times I feel like retiring to a monastery or something, sometimes you have to ask yourself what's the point—
X.
(.844)
A bit depressed without palpable cause, slowly noticing a variety of polka dots on a pristine two thousand sixteen Honda Civic clearly due to the douchebag incessantly moving his white pickup in the parking lot, inebriated and peeing on Enzo’s door handle in two thousand and fourteen, two years prior to the Civic being issued, the scallops at Maria Cucina were succulent yet ridiculously overpriced, Curt alleged the pork was kind of dry, slowly noticing Milagro is a halfway decent tequila at Vino Veritas—
XI.
(.760)
Black eyebrows plucked with a muted sense of glee, the center of gravity is ultimately elusive, there's a πρόσωπο that becomes an ουσία but not quite vice versa, we begin with the individual and think this is freedom, there is no individual, the individual is no organism, the organism is the first fallacy, I've never been a big fan of sense perception, prose is some form of telepathy, this is perilous, I've only intermittently believed this is good, my beliefs are purely theatrical, there's no better opera house than belief, she asked me an asinine question and laughed, I chuckled nervously, it marked the beginning of a horrendous era for each of us—
XII.
(.881)
Leaving the apartment for the first time all Friday the fresh air was a revelation, Liberian with the mask on at the Greek pizza spot, rub and tug with the open sign across the street, might get my VCR repaired at Cho's Electronics, Speedway stuck up by the black dude with balloons tucked under his shirt, he picked my key up for me on a random Sunday afternoon, I always found him a nice guy personally, take a right onto Alexander and pass the basketball courts, two thousand eighteen flashbacks, taken aback by my note but as much of an asshole as you can be it's essential to remain a man of your word, otherwise there's no redemption arc—
XIII.
(.691)
It became gradually apparent as I made incidental eye contact with a girl with a gargantuan fake ass that I’d slowly lost the ability to type words coherently into my iPhone-memory is perhaps as a concept slightly ill-advised, I considered while eating an entire rotisserie chicken at a later date, yes it was inadvisable in retrospect to give an overarching historical recap of the late Ottoman Empire to two seventy somethings I'd never met, senses get muted with age—I failed to notice the effervescent backside ambling across India Point until Katreena accused me of looking at it, orifices are ultimately negligible phenomena, Jesus didn't give much credence to bank accounts, I considered eating an entire rotisserie chicken at a later date-chanting the words ‘turn my bitch up’ in a soft whisper as I strenuously edit the HTML of a bootleg Tumblr page I feel at peace with the world, ten calendars on females with two kids I feel at peace with myself, ten mezcals enter an eleventh dimension I feel at peace with the world, with the charlatan nature of mathematics, my mother ditched me at Nick-A-Nee’s, but truthfully I didn't want to reveal my new Audrey Horne tattoo anyway—
XIV.
(.765)
On Mineral Spring getting my eyebrows threaded by Cheryl a self-identifying Spanish lady with a curiously Arabic accent attempts to sell off a pair of air pods to help support her alleged four children and I was a little dubious to say the least, defecating at the gentlemen's venue, off-brand dude wipes from The Christmas Tree Shop, writing essays is reprehensible, having sincere opinions is basically worse than climate change in my mind, boycotting semicolons, the irony of my New York Knicks fandom has slowly fallen by the wayside with age—
XV.
(.740)
Pulling my penis out with a child-like sense of jubilation, I require more podcasts is the only conclusion I've come to of late, it's the only logical conclusion, there’s simply a severe lack of podcasts in the current era, we've ruthlessly deprived ourselves of others’ opinions, reading a Robert Ashley libretto while stroking my beard in a fashion that evinces a solemn contemplation—
XVI.
(.834)
Honduran medium roast in the Mister Coffee-brown basmati with two teaspoons from the za'atar bag, only extra virgin olive oil from the cold press, at this point I think we need to admit we've made some mistakes in an adult and calculating manner of speaking, I'm even-tempered by nature, office space two feet by four feet with the stapled carpet made from recycled styrofoam or something-reading impassioned reddit posts about the heterosexuality of male masturbation dildos, toss two cubes in the ice hose and try to see dead people, one of the most profound friends I've ever had was a floor fan—
XVII.
(.760)
Tyranny of the four-four, meaning is negotiable, the doppelganger appeared only intermittently to me on a mild Sunday afternoon, reminded me of a missed call I received five or so years ago, but I discarded the memory to the possibility of eating a self-salted french fry-the dude who stuffed the young corpse into his trunk lived in an upscale apartment complex and didn't resemble your typical pervert murderer, eye contact is quantum computing—
XVIII.
(.707)
Four walls encapsulate horrendously repetitive phenomena right around decade anniversaries, at the Italian-American club I engaged in an emo conversation regarding geographical tendencies for no particular reason, turquoise crystal covers the stab wound between the collarbones, parts and wholes are necessary, didn’t need to inform myself it was slightly ill-advised, gazing mindlessly at your own history a little aloof, succumbing to nefarious literalism with friends, to be frank I couldn't comprehend how anyone would come to think political opinions are anything but art, it never occurred to me that my passion could be misconstrued as sincerity—
XIX.
(.804)
The deceased raccoon looked serene like it was sleeping on the side of one forty six, I saw Curtis texted there wasn't a cunt hair of a chance the Italian ass was authentic and I agreed, I thought about the raccoon corpse again, about the nonsensical nature of biology, about the big bottle of Soju I'd bought at the so-called discount liquor store which seemed to price items higher than MSRP, thoughts may be physical phenomena that haunt us no different than poltergeist, I can't honestly say I always select my phrasing in the most careful of manners, some names you shouldn't say—
XX.
(.742)
Discussing espressos blackout drunk with Emilio at Amedeo, half pound of the pulled pork but only if it's completely unseasoned, succulent (pause), being the only car on Memorial brought on a somewhat nonsensical sense of foreboding, I felt an intense foreboding, could it have been the Casamigos Blanco, this continual disrespect of the agave, an ad claims to unravel the meaning of agape, The Big Fat Greek Wedding franchise does nothing but perpetuate a generic sense of ethnicity that's as inane as it is counterproductive, something especially ironic coming from the so-called Greek east, the relational essence par excellence, Nia Vardalos it should be noted is simply no Cappadocian, this conception of essence is embarrassingly faux-Hellenic, back to Manuel at Manzikert—
XXI.
(.672)
Half Greek vacuum cleaner in a mid-August malaise, fortune read unsolicited at two pm on a Sunday smoking a ten dollar cigar drinking a vodka on the rocks, half barbarian eleventh Constantines, eleven Constantines is sufficient, half Nikola Jokic, typing the word kindly in emails, I was flummoxed at the amount of redskin on the redskin peanuts, middle aged podcast host repeatedly using the phrase ‘sphincter clenching’—
XXII.
(.710)
Ingest the special star shapes there’s a club above an arcade, there’s a seven am showing of an uneven Netflix anime, two homosexuals dance sans irony and there's an album that will preferably be disavowed at a later date, a man my age is now dying a slow death, incoherent epidermis, I used to hit the bottle hard too—indeed I painted six hours at a time with the Sobieski by my side, screwed and chopped Bjork, a sense of adolescence existed, Markos Vamvakaris wrote about the water pipes and call girls of turn of the century Piraeus, shirt unbuttoned all the way down with profound hiccups to drown out D’Andrea’s dead body, but can we confirm the Puerto Rican girl behind the bar is aware, does the butt wipe at the bar bathroom realize Ryan’s died, I don't discriminate between organic entities and otherwise, another man our age is dying, second cousins we never see drop dead in Florida yet dude was always an asshole anyway, ingest the special star shapes there's a club above an arcade, I used to paint six hours at a time with the Sobieski by my side, I found it enjoyable for the era—cigar bar with Lams, I’m well aware my charisma is unorthodox in character—
XXIII.
(.703)
I can no longer consume spaghetti alio yet I’ve gradually come to terms with this trying state of existence, surgically inserting substances into the very essence of one’s buttocks is a pure roll of the die in my humble opinion, yet a female's sexual history is frankly none of our business, we tend to view the vagina as a tissue or a kleenex when it's essentially reflexive in character, like a unique phrase or laconic collection of lexicon, that's more or less how I view the contemporary vagina at least, I was a little taken aback at the fact the wing spot only offered curly fries, that regular fries were nowhere to be found on the menu—
An Anime Opera That Doesn't Exist: Bracketed Text
[f][l]i[p]ping my[s]el[f] [a][s]s u[p] [a]t the [c][o][l]ono[s][c]o[p]y be[f]ore it was [a]p[p]r[o][p][o], there's [n][o] [l]onger a [n][o]tion of [s][a]n[c]t[i]ty [i]n [a]b[s]tra[c]t [e][x]pr[e]ssionism, [q]uantum me[c]h[a]ni[c][s] [a]nd non[l]o[c]al [r]e[l]ations or [s]omething, john [b]ell was [c]o[r]re[c]t a[b]out the ph[y]s[i][c]al un[i]ver[s]e, w[r]iting “[m]utte[r]ing [m]y [c]on[s]tant [c]u[r]io[s]ity got in the way of [m][y] [s]ui[c][i]de to [m][y][s]elf in a [s]omewhat [i][r]o[n]ic tone” b[u]t [m][u]tte[r]in[g] [n]othin[g] at all, the older [w]o[m]an had no [i]nte[r]e[s]t [i]n ge[r]ia[t]ri[c] foot[w]ear yet [w]ouldn't [s][t]o[p] [s][p][e]a[k]ing to [m][e] of [m]y de[s]tin[y] [a]fter [ei]ght o'[c]lo[c]k [a]t [th]e wren[th]am outlets, [a]ged [th]irty [s]ix portuguese [d]an[c]ers i[n]form [y]o[u] i[n] [m]in[u]te [d]etail of [y]our own a[c][u]te [m]isery then [w]al[k] a[w]ay u[n][c]o[n][c]erned, th[i]s [i]s [w]hy [c]h[r]i[s]t [h]ad [h]is feet [r]ubbed—
[d][i]p [d]own li[k]e a [q]u[i][c]k bath in[t]o the [d]m[t]-li[k]e [e][s]sen[c]e of what [s][e]ems po[e]ti[c], br[e]a[k][f]a[s]t and [c]o[f]fee [s]pots [c]l[o]se [s][o] [q]u[i][c]kly, [y]et [i] [f][i]nd [m][y][s]el[f] [y]earning [f]or [a]n a[m]eri[c]ano [a]nd ome[l]et a [l]ittle [a][f]ter [f]our, the [c]louds [o]ver one [f]orty [s]ix [s]outh [c]on[s]i[s]tent[l]y [l]oo[k] [l]i[k]e [o]il [p]aint, [p]rior [t]o the m[e]n[t]al h[e]alth r[e]vo[l]ution ado[l]e[s]cents were for[c]ed [t]o in[t]erna[l]ize [t]rau[m]a, [m]any of them [b][e][c]o[m]ing [c]om[p]lete a[s]sholes in the [p]ro[c]e[s]s, i've [s]oured on the [b][e]ach, [s][k]in [c]are, i [s]u[p]pose, has [b]e[c]ome a [b]it of [a] [p][r][i]o[r]ity, [s]and [i]s [s]omewhat of a[n] [a][n]noyan[c]e—
two m[i]dg[e]ts [e]at[i]ng d[e][l][i]c[i]ou[s] [l]oo[k]ing ri[c]e bowls at xa[c][o] ta[c][o], [r]ep[e]at[i]ng the ph[r]ases there [i]s n[o] [i][m]age there is n[o] [m]e[m]o[r]y, there’s no i[m]age and there’s no [m]e[m]ory, s[a]ns i[m]age [a]nd [m]e[m]ory we c[a]n s[t]art [t]o a[p]proach the funda[m]ental [n]ature of the u[n]iver[s]e as [s]uch, tri[p]le egg [o]me[l]et with the [k]al[a][m][a]t[a] [o][l]ives, a ch[e][s]t [c]r[e]vi[c]e [s]tained in a per[m]ane[n]t i[n][k] of [s]orts, [c]uddl[y] [b][e]a[v]ers [e]at [v]ege[t]a[b]les from the [h]ands of well i[n][t]e[n]tioned [h]u[m]an [b]eings, the [s][m]all [b]ottles of [s][o]ju were [o]nly eight [b]ucks a pie[c]e
the [s]a[k]i at [s][o]m[o] was [p]o[s]si[b][l]y the wor[s]t al[c]oho[l]i[c] [b]e[v]erage i'[v]e e[v]er [s]i[p]ped, the [c]an [l]oo[k]ed [l]i[k]e [a]n [a]nime jui[c]e[b]ox, it a[p]p[e]aled [t]o m[e], it [s][t]ru[c]k me [t]iny [b]ar had a [p]re[t]ense a[b]out it that j[u][s]t [s]tr[u][c]k m[e] as [c]om[p][l][e]te[l][y] out of [l]ine, [p][e]o[p]le from var[i]ou[s] [b][a][c]kgrounds ma[k]ing [f][a][s]t [f]riends [a]s i ate [b]rea[k][f]a[s]t [o]ut [o]n the patio at [d]omeni[c]'s, [c]on[s]i[d]ering [g][o]ing to chilan[g][o]'s, on[c]e a[g]ain [d]e[c]i[d]ing a[g]ain[s]t it, the [c][o]n[d]o [c][o]mp[l]ex [l]oo[k]ed [l][i][k]e [t]otal shit, real e[s][t][a]te as a[n] i[n]ve[s]tment has alw[a]ys [s]t[r]uck me [a]s le[s]s th[a]n a [n]o b[r]ai[n]er—
[B][l]ue [l][i]ght e[y]eg[l]asses [w]ith the [b][l]ac[k] [w]ire rims [I] [l]ook [l][i][k]e a [c]om[p][l]ete [d]ouche[b]ag, there's a [d]o[c]ument t[i]tled [p]a[s]s[w]ord is [p][a][s]swo[r]d with the [d]ollar [s][i]gns [a][f]ter the A, [P]rou[s]t was a re[n]owned [f]an of [m]ale [p]ro[s]t[i]tutes—[t]hey [th]in[k] [N]ietzsche d[i]ed of [s]y[ph][i]l[i]s, in [m][y] [m][i][n]d [I]'m the [l]a[s]t of a [l]ong [l][i][n]e, [m]ade A[m]eri[c]an Engl[i]sh [i]nto [A]ncient Gr[ee][k]—[c]on[s]ider m[e] the twelfth [C]on[s][t]ant[i]ne, [g]eno[c]ides are [j]u[s]t a [m]atter of [t]a[s]te, Ana[t]ol[i] [j]u[s]t [m][e]ans [E]a[s]t—
[g][r]e[g]o[r]y of [n][a]zi[a]nzus [i]mpl[i][c][i]tly under[s]tood the [n]ature of [q]uantum ph[y]s[i][c]s, of [n]on[l]o[c]al re[l]ations, it's p[o][s]sible the [o][c]cident has [c][l]ung to a[n] i[n][i]t[i]al [l][i]ngu[i][s]tic [r]e[v]ersal, a [r]e[v]er[s]al [c]reating a[n] i[l]lusio[n] of [p]er[s][p]e[c]tive, it'[s] [p]o[s]sible the [p]er[s][p]e[c]tiv[i]sm d[i][s]covered [b]y [p][e]o[p]le li[k]e [N]i[e]tzsche was, [i]n fa[c]t, a [s][i]m[p]le [b]y[p]rodu[c]t of this [i]n[i]tial rever[s]al [o]f the [O][c]ci[d]ent, thi[s] i[d]ea of a [p]er[s][p]e[c]tive, it [s][e]ems [t]ota[l]l[y] i[l]logi[c]al to m[e], no [p]un in[t]ended, i[c]e hoo[k]ah with the [t]zatz[i]k[i] [i] wasn't [q]u[i]te in [m][y] r[i]ght [m][i]nd at the t[i]me, [s]amura[i] [s]word in washing[t]on pa[r][k], the [c]a[r] [s]eat [s]aw [t]oo much, videogra[ph]y is ar[c]ha[i]c [i]n [r]et[r]o[s]pe[c]t, the [s]cien[c]e of [ph]onet[i][c]s [i]s [s]t[i]ll amb[i]guou[s], the [c]onver[s][a]tion [f][a]ded of its own a[c]cord
[s]i[b]eria is [b][ea]utiful thi[s] time of [y]ear, [a]ll [a]rt is [n]ot [n]e[c]e[s]sa[r]ily ip[s][o] [f]act[o] [f]or e[v]e[r]yone, the [f]lesh of the hu[m]an [b][e]ing wasn't u[n]i[v]ersall[y] a[p]p[e]aling, [b]eli[e]ve it or [n]ot, e[m]otional [b]aggage lo[s]t [i]n tr[a]ns[i]t [a][f]ter i [a]woke [f][r]om [a] [s]t[r]ange d[r][e]am, my [y]ia[y]ia in[f]o[r]ming m[e] she's out of [s]o[r]ts with [s]mudged l[i]p[s]t[i][c]k as [i] [c]lutch a ne[ph]ew that isn't m[i]ne, the[r]e a[r]e man[y] r[e]gional differen[c]es [t]o [t]a[k]e in[t]o a[c]count, we [c]on[s]t[r]u[c]t l[i]near [s]tates [i]n [r]etro[s][p]e[c]t then [s][p]it on a [s]treet [i]n [i]zmir, the [r]olled [d]own [w]in[d]ow [w]as li[k]e a [p]i[c]ture [f]rame, [m]e[m]ory was juvenile delin[q]uents [s][p][r]aying g[r]a[f]fiti, the [p][r]oviden[c]e [c]o[p] [w]as [s]ati[s]fied [w]ith the an[s]we[r] [w]e're ju[s]t [c]onve[r][s]ing
the un[s][p]e[c]if[i]ed [b]ug [t][r]a[p]ped in the [s][p][i]der we[b] on the [r]ailing of the [e]m[p]loyer's [e]n[t][r]an[c]e [m]ade [m]e [c]on[s]ider [m]etapho[r]s o[r] [s]omething, the [c]ashier at j[o]b l[o]t of am[b][i]guous eth[n][i][c][i]ty [n]eeds to [e]m[p]loy [s]ocial m[e]d[i][a] to [a][s]si[s]t her [p]ur[s]uit of [e][s]ta[b]l[i]shing her[s]el[f] as a [ph]otog[r]a[ph]er, her [f]avo[r]ite [f]ood is [p]izza, the [c]o[l]ono[s][c]o[p][y] was un[s]u[c]ce[s]s[f]u[l]l[y] re[s][c]hed[u]led on t[wo] o[c]casions, it [s]t[r][u][c]k [m]e that [r][u]ss[i]an whore [i]s one of the [f]ew [m]i[s]og[y]n[i][s]t [ph]rases [s]t[i]ll a[c]ce[p]table to [s]ay aloud in [s]o-[c]alled [m][i]xed [c]om[p]a[n]y, sure it was [n]i[c]e e[n]ou[gh] to have the a[s]si[s]tan[c]e of [g]iov[a][n]n[i] [g]u[i][s]t[i]n[i][a][n][i] but [n]ot if h[e] in[s][i][s]ted on re[t]reating the [f]ir[s]t time his che[s]t caved in—
i [f]ound [m]a[r]i[o]s [ph]ili[p]p[i][d][e]s mon[o]gra[ph] on the la[s]t [c]on[s]tant[i]ne to [b][e] [s][o] [p]r[o]-latin to [b][e] n[e]arly unr[e]ada[b]le, [w]hich [w]as un[s]ur[p]rising [b]ecause it [s]eems as [th][o]ugh [th]e[r]e a[r]e alm[o]st n[o] [t][r]ue g[r]eek in[t]ell[e]ctuals in the w[e][s]t, [o]nly f[au]x-g[r]eek in[t]e[l]l[e]ctuals that shame[l][e][s]s[l]y [s][e]ll out their own hi[s][t]o[r]y, who [r]ubber [s][t][a]mp [a]nglo a[s]sertions [th]at [th]e h[e]ll[e]nic [e]ra [e]nded [a][f]ter [s]o[c]rat[e]s [f][o]ndled al[c]ibiad[e]s, i [o][f]ten have an urge to [s]pit on th[e]se [s]o-[c]alled inte[l]lectuals, th[e]se [s][c]ho[l]a[s]ti[c] im[b]e[c]iles, th[e]se [l]evant[i]ne [b]enedict arnolds, these [c]owa[r]ds of the [s][p]i[r]it, wh[i]le [i] [p][a]in[s]t[a][k]ingly transform ameri[c]an engl[i]sh [i]nto [k]oin[e] gr[e]e[k] i have to d[e]al with [p][e]o[p]le of my own an[c]e[s]try obfu[s][c]ating [i]n the [s]erv[i][c]e of [s]e[c]ular [p]o[p]es, when there's [n]othing be[l][o]w a [s]e[c]u[l]ar [p][o][p]e, it'[s] wh[y] at t[i]mes [i] feel l[i]ke re[t][i]ring [t]o a mo[n]a[s]tery or [s]o[m]ething, [s]o[m]etimes you h[a]ve to [a][s]k your[s]elf what'[s] the point—
A [b][i]t [d]e[p]re[s]sed w[i]thout [p]al[p]a[b]le [c]ause, [s][l][o]w[l][y] n[o]ti[c]ing a variet[y] of [p][o]l[k]a [d]ots on a [p]r[i][s][t][i]ne [t]wo thousand [s][i]x[t][e]en hon[d]a [c][i]v[i][c] [c][l][e]ar[l][y] [d][u]e t[o] the [d]o[u]chebag i[n][c]e[s]santly m[o]ving his white [p]i[c]ku[p] in the [p]ar[k]ing lot, i[n][e]br[i]ated a[n]d [p][e]eing on e[n]zo's door handle in [t]wo thousand and four[t][e]en, [t]w[o] y[e]ars [p]rior [t]o the [c][i]v[i][c] b[e]ing [i]ssued, the [s][c]allops at mar[i][a] [c]u[c][i]n[a] were [s]u[c]cu[l]ent yet [r]i[d]i[c]u[l]ou[s][l]y over[p][r]i[c]ed, [c]urt a[l]leged the [p]ork was [k][i]nd of [d]r[y], [s][l][o]w[l]y [n][o]ti[c]ing mi[l]agr[o] is a halfway [d][e][c]ent t[e][q]u[i]la at [v][i][n][o] [v]eritas—
[B]la[c]k eye[br]ows plu[c]ked with a [m]uted [s]e[n][s]e of [g]le[e], the [c]e[n][t]er of [g]ravit[y] is ul[t]i[m]ate[l][y] e[l]u[s]ive, there's a [p]r[o][s][o][p][o] that [b]e[c]omes an ou[s]i[a] [b]ut not [q]u[i]te [v][i][c]e [v]er[s][a], we [b]eg[i]n w[i]th the [i]n[d][i]v[i]dual and [th][i]nk [th][i]s [i]s free[d]om, there is no [i]nd[i]v[i]dual, the [i]nd[i]v[i]dual [i]s [n]o o[r]ga[n]ism, [th]e o[r]ga[n][i]sm [i]s [th]e [f]ir[s]t [f]alla[c][y], i'[v]e ne[v]er [b]een a [b]ig [f]an of [s]en[s]e [p]er[c]e[p]tion, [p]rose is [s]ome [f]orm of [t]ele[p]ath[y], th[i][s] [i]s [p]eri[l]ou[s], i've on[l][y] in[t]ermittent[l][y] [b]e[l]i[e]ved th[i]s [i]s good, my [b]e[l]i[e]fs are [p]ure[l][y] [th]eatrical, [th]ere's no [b]etter o[p]era house than [b]eli[e]f, sh[e] [a][s][k]ed m[e] a[n] [a][s]inine [q]uestion a[n]d l[a]ughed, i chu[c]kled [n]ervou[s]l[y], it mar[k]ed the begi[n]ning of a ho[r]rendou[s] e[r]a for each of u[s]—
lea[v]ing the [a]partment [f]or the [f]irst t[i]me [a]ll [f][r][i]d[a]y the [f]resh air was [a] [r]e[v]e[l][a]tion, l[i][b]e[r]ian with the m[a][s][k] on [a]t the g[r][e]e[k] [p][i]zza [s][p]ot, [r][u][b] and t[u]g with the o[p]en [s]ign a[c]ro[s]s the [s]t[r]e[e]t, [m][i]ght get [m][y] [v][c]r [r]e[p]aired at cho's [e]l[e][c]tronics, [s][p]eedway [s]t[u][c]k [u][p] [b]y the [b][l]a[c]k [d][u]de with [b]a[l]l[oo]ns t[u][c]ked [u]n[d]er [h]is shirt, [h]e [p]i[c]ked [m]y [k][e]y u[p] for [m][e] on a r[a]n[d]om [s]un[d][a]y [a][f]ter[n]oon, i alw[a]ys [f]ound him a [n][i][c]e g[uy] [p]er[s]o[n]a[l]ly, [t]a[k]e a right on[t]o [a][l]ex[a]nder [a]nd [p][a][s]s the [b][a][s][k]et[b]all [c]ourts, [t]wo thousand eigh[t]een fl[a]sh[b][a][c]ks, [t]a[k]en a[b][a][c]k [b][y] m[y] note [b]ut [a]s much of an [a][s]shole [a]s you [c]an [b]e it's e[s]s[e]ntial to [r]e[m]ain a [m]an of your [w]ord, o[th]er[w]ise [th]ere's no [r]ed[e]mption arc
It be[c][a]me [g]r[a]dually app[a]rent [a]s I m[a]de [i]nc[i]dental eye [c]onta[c]t [w]ith [a] [g]irl [w]ith [a] [g]ar[g]antuan [f]a[k]e a[s]s that I'd [s][l]ow[l]y [l]ost the abi[l]ity [t]o [t]y[p]e words [c]oherent[l]y in[t]o m[y] [i][Ph]one—[m]e[m]ory is [p]erh[a]ps [a]s a [c]on[c]ept [s]l[i]ghtly ill-adv[i]sed, [I] [c]on[s][i]dered while eati[n]g a[n] e[n]tire [r]o[t][i][s]serie ch[i][c]ken at a l[a]ter d[a]te, ye[s], [i]t was [i]nad[v]isable [i]n [r]e[t]ro[s][p]e[c]t to gi[v]e an o[v]erar[c]hing histo[r]i[c]al [r]e[c]a[p] of the late Otto[m]an Em[p]ire [t][o] [t]w[o] [s]e[v]enty [s]omethings I'd ne[v]er [m]et, [s]en[s]es get [m]uted with [a]ge—I [f][a]iled to noti[c]e the e[f]ferve[s]cent [b][a][c]k[s]ide [a]m[b]ling [a][c]ros[s] Ind[i]a Point un[t]il [K]a[t]r[e]ena [a][c]cused me of loo[k]ing at it, or[i][f][i][c]es are u[l]timate[l]y [n]eg[l]igible [ph]e[n]o[m]e[n]a, J[e]su[s] didn't give [m]uch [c]r[e][d]en[c]e to ban[k] a[c]counts, I [c]on[s]i[d]ered, [e]ati[n]g a[n] e[n][t]ire ro[t][i][s]serie ch[i][c]ken at a l[a]ter [d][a]te—chanting the wo[r]ds "tu[r]n my b[i]tch u[p]" in a [s]oft wh[i][s][p]er as I [s]tr[e]nuou[s]ly [e]dit the H[T]ML of a [b]oot[l]eg [T]um[b][l]r [p]age I f[e]el at [p][e]a[c]e [w]ith the [w]orld, [t]en [c]alendars on [f][e][m]ales with [t]wo [k]ids I [f][e]el at p[e]a[c]e with [m]y[s]el[f], [t][e]n [m][e]z[c]als [e][n]ter a[n] [e]leventh di[m]ension I [f][e]el at p[e]ace [w]ith the [w]orld, [w]ith the charlatan [n]ature of [m]athe[m]ati[c]s, [m]y [m]other [d][i]tched [m][e] at [N][i][c]ka[n][e]e’s, but [t]r[u]thfully, I [d][i]dn't [w]ant to rev[e]al my [n][ew] Au[d]r[e]y Horne [t]att[oo] any[w]ay—
on [m]ineral spring getting [m][y] e[y]e[b]rows th[r][e]aded [b]y Ch[e][r]yl a [s][e]l[f]-[i]denti[f][y]ing [s][p]anish [l]ad[y] with a [c]uriou[s][l]y [a]rabi[c] [a][c]cent a[t]tem[p]ts [t]o [s]ell of[f] a [p]air of air [p]ods to [h]el[p] [s]up[p]o[r]t [h]er alleged [f]ou[r] chil[d]ren and I was a [l]ittle [d]ubiou[s] to [s]ay the [l]ea[s]t, [d][e][f]e[c]ating at the g[e]ntleme[n]'s ve[n]ue, o[f]f-brand [d]ude wi[p]es [f]rom the chri[s]tma[s] t[r]ee sho[p], w[r]iting e[s]says is [r]e[p]rehen[s]i[b]le, having [s]in[c]ere o[p]i[n]io[n]s is [b][a][s]i[c]a[l]ly wor[s]e than [c]l[i][m]ate ch[a]nge in [m][y] [m][i]nd, [b]oy[c]otting [s]emi[c]olons, the [i]ro[n]y of m[y] [n]ew yor[k] k[n]i[c]ks [f][a]ndom h[a]s [s][l]ow[l]y [f]a[l]len b[y] the w[a]y[s][i]de [w]ith [a]ge
[p]u[l]ling my [p]eni[s] out with a ch[i]ld-[l][i][k]e [s]en[s]e of jubi[l]ation, [i] re[q]u[i]re more [p]od[c]asts is the [o]n[l]y [c]on[c][l]usion i've [c]ome to of [l]ate, [i]t's the [o]n[l]y [l]og[i][c]al [c]on[c][l]usion, there’s [s]im[p][l]y a [s]evere [l][a][c]k of [p]od[c][a]sts in the [c]u[r]rent e[r]a, we've [r]uth[l]e[s]s[l]y de[p]rived [o]ur[s]elves of [o]thers’ [o][p]inions, [r]eading a [r]o[b]ert ash[l]ey [l]i[b][r]ett[o] while [s][t][r][o][k]ing my [b]eard in a f[a]shion th[a]t evin[c]es a [s]ol[e]mn [c]ont[e]m[p]lation—
Hon[d]u[r]an [m][e][d][i]um [r]oa[s]t [i]n the [M][i][s]ter Coff[e]e—[b]rown [b]a[s][m][a]t[i] with [t]wo [t]ea[s][p]oons [f]rom the [z][a][t]aar [b]ag, [o]n[l]y extra virg[i]n o[l][i]ve [o]il [f]rom the c[o]ld [p]re[s]s, at thi[s] [p]oint I thin[k] w[e] n[e]ed to ad[m]it w[e]'ve [m]ade [s]ome [m]i[s]ta[k]es i[n] a[n] adult [a]nd [c][a]l[c]ulating [m][a][n]ner of [s][p][e]a[k]ing, I'm [e]ven-tem[p]ered by [n]ature, o[f]fi[c]e [s][p][a][c]e two [f][e]et by [f]our [f][e]et with the [s]t[a][p]led [c]ar[p]et m[a]de from [r]e[c]y[c]led [s]ty[r]o[f]oam or [s]omething—[r]ea[d]ing [i]m[p]ass[i]oned [r]e[d]dit [p]o[s]ts a[b]out the hetero[s]exuality of [m][a]le [m]a[s]tur[b][a]tion [d]il[d][o]s, [t]o[s]s t[wo] c[u]bes in the i[c]e h[o]se and [t]ry [t]o [s][e]e [d]ead [p][e]o[p]le, one of the most [p]ro[f]ound [f]riends I'[v]e e[v]er had was a [f]loor [f]an
Tyra[n]n[y] of the [f]our-[f]our, m[e]a[n]ing is [n]eg[o]tiable, the do[p]pelganger a[p]peared [o]n[l][y] i[n]ter[m]itte[n]t[l][y] to [m][e] on a [m]ild [S]un[d]ay a[f]ternoon, [r]e[m]in[d]ed [m][e] of a [m]i[s]sed [c]all I [r]e[c][e]ived [f]ive or [s][o] years ag[o], [b]ut I di[s][c]ar[d]ed the [m]e[m]or[y] to the po[s]si[b]ilit[y] of [e]ating a [s]el[f]-[s]alted [f][r]ench [f][r]y—the d[u]de wh[o] [s]t[u][ff]ed the yo[u]ng [c]or[p][s]e in[t]o his [t]run[k] l[i]ved [i]n an [u][p][s][c]ale [a][p]artment [c]om[p]lex and [d]idn't resemble your [t]y[p]i[c]al pe[r]ve[r]t mu[r][d]e[r]e[r], eye [c]onta[c]t is [q]uan[t]um [c]om[p]uting—
[f]our walls e[n][c]a[p][s]ulate ho[r]re[n][d]ou[s]ly [r]e[p]etitive [ph]e[n]o[m]en[a] [r]ight [a][r]ound [d]e[c]ade [a]n[n]iversaries, [a]t the it[a]lian-a[m]eri[c]an [c]lub I e[n]g[a]ged i[n] a[n] e[m]o [c]onver[s][a]tion [r]e[g]ar[d]ing geo[g][r]a[ph]i[c]al [t]e[n][d]e[n]cies [f]or no [p]ar[t]i[c]ular [r]eason, [t]ur[q]uoise [c][r]y[s][t]al [c]overs the [s][t]a[b] [w]ound [b]et[w]een the [c]ollar[b][o]nes, [p]arts and wh[o]les are [n]e[c]e[s]sary, didn't [n]eed to [i]n[f]orm my[s]el[f] [i]t was [s][l][i]ght[l]y ill-adv[i]sed, gazing mind[l]e[s]s[l][y] at your own hi[s]tor[y] a [l][i]ttle a[l]oo[f], [s]u[c]cumbing to ne[f]arious [l][i]tera[l][i]sm w[i]th [f][r]iends, to be [f]rank I [c]ouldn't [c]om[p]rehend how any[o]ne [w]ould [c]ome to thin[k] [p]ol[i]t[i][c]al o[p][i]nions a[r]e anything [b]ut a[r]t, it never o[c]curred to m[e] th[a]t my [p][a]ssion [c]ould [b][e] mi[s][c]on[s]trued as [s]in[c]erity—
The de[c][e]ased ra[c]c[oo]n [l][oo][k]ed [s]er[e]ne [l]i[k]e it was [s][l][e]eping on the [s][i]de of one forty [s]i[x], [I] [s]aw [C]urti[s] [t]e[x][t]ed there w[a]sn't a [c][u]nt hair of a ch[a]n[c]e the I[t][a]lia[n] [a][s]s was authe[n][t]ic a[n]d [I] [a][g]reed, [I] [th]ought [a][b]out [th]e ra[c]coon [c]orp[s]e [a][g]ain, [a][b]out the [n]on[s]en[s]i[c]al [n]ature of [b]i[o]logy, [a][b]out the [b]ig [b][o]ttle of [S][o]ju I'd [b]ought at the [s][o]-[c]alled di[s][c]ount l[i][q]uor [s]tore wh[i]ch [s]eemed to [p]r[i][c]e [i]tems h[i]gher than M[S]R[P], thoughts may b[e] [ph][y]s[i][c]al [ph]e[n][o]mena that h[au]nt u[s] [n]o d[i]fferent than [p]olterge[i][s]t, [I] [c]an't hone[s]t[l]y [s][a]y I alw[a]ys [s]e[l]e[c]t my [ph]r[a]sing in the [m]o[s]t [c]are[f]ul of [m]a[n]ners, [s]ome [n][a]mes you shouldn't [s][a]y—
[d]i[s][c]u[s]sing [e][s][p]re[s]sos bla[c]kout [d]run[k] w[i]th [e][m][i]li[o] at a[m]ede[o], half [p]ound of the [p]ulled [p]or[k] [b]ut [o]nly [i]f [i]t's [c]om[p]l[e]tel[y] un[s][e]asoned, [s]u[c]culent ([p]ause), [b][e]ing the onl[y] [c]ar on [m]e[m]orial [b]rought [o]n a [s]omewhat n[o]n[s]e[n][s]i[c]al [s]e[n][s]e of [f]ore[b]oding, i [f]elt a[n] i[n]te[n][s]e [f]ore[b]oding, [c]ould it have [b]een the [c]a[s]amig[o]s [b]lan[c][o], this [c]ontinual di[s][r]e[s][p]e[c]t [o]f the [a]g[a][v][e], [a]n [a]d [c]laims to un[r]a[v]el the meaning of [a][g][a][p][e], the [b]ig [f]at [g]reek wedding [f]ranchise does [n]othing [b]ut [p]er[p]etuate a ge[n]eric [s]en[s]e of eth[n]i[c]ity th[a]t's [a]s inane [a]s [i]t [i]s [c]ounter[p]rodu[c]tive, [s]omething e[s][p]eciall[y] i[r]oni[c] [c]oming from the [s]o-[c]alled gr[e]e[k] [e]a[s]t, the [r]e[l]ational [e][s]sen[c]e par [e]x[c]el[l]en[c]e, [n]ia varda[l][o]s, it should be [n][o]ted, is [s]im[p]ly [n]o [C]a[p]pad[o]cian, this [c]on[c][e][p]tion of [e][s]sen[c]e is [e]m[b]arra[s]singly faux H[e]lleni[c], [b][a][c]k to [M][a]nuel at [M][a]nzi[k]ert
hal[f] Gree[k] va[c]uum [c]leaner in a [m]id-Augu[s]t [m]alaise, [f]ortune read un[s]ol[i][c][i]ted at [t]wo pm on a [S]unday [s]moking a [t]en [d]ollar [c]igar [d][r]in[k]ing a [v][o]d[k]a [o]n the [r]o[c]ks, hal[f] [b]ar[b]arian e[l]e[v]enth [C]ons[t]an[t]ines, e[l]e[v]en [C]on[s][t]an[t]ines is [s]u[f]ficient, hal[f] Ni[k]o[l]a Jo[k]ic, [t][y]ping the word [k][i]nd[l]y in e[m]ails, I was [f][l]u[m]moxed at the a[m]ount of [r]ed[s]kin on the [r]ed[s]kin [p]eanuts, [m]iddle aged [p]od[c]a[s]t ho[s]t [r]e[p][e]ated[l][y] using the [ph]rase [s][ph]in[c]ter [c][l]enching
Ing[e][s]t the [s][p][e][ci]al [s]ta[r] [sh][a][p]es there's [a] [c]l[u][b] [a][b]ove an a[r][c][a]de, there's a [s]even [a]m sh[o]wing of a[n] uneve[n] [N]etflix a[n]ime, two h[o]m[o][s]exuals da[n][c]e [s]a[n]s irony a[n]d there's a[n] [a]l[b]um th[a]t will [p]refera[b]l[y] [b]e [d]i[s]avo[w]ed at a l[a]ter [d][a]te, a [m]an [m][y] [a]ge is no[w] [d][y]ing a [s]low [d]eath, i[n]co[h]erent e[p]i[d]er[m]i[s], I [u]sed t[o] [h]it the [b]ottle [h]ard too—i[n][d]eed, I [p]ainted [s]ix hours at a t[i]me with the [S]o[b]ie[s][k]i [b][y] m[y] [s][i]de, [s][c]rewed and cho[p]ped [B]jork, a [s]en[s]e of adole[s]cen[c]e exi[s]ted, Mar[k]o[s] [V]am[v]a[k]a[r]i[s] w[r]ote [a][b]out the w[a]ter [p]i[p]es and [c]all gi[r]ls of tu[r]n of the [c]entu[r]y [P]iraeus, shi[r]t un[b]uttoned all the [w]ay [d]o[w]n [w]ith [p]ro[f]o[u]nd hi[c]cu[p]s to [d]ro[w]n out [D]'An[d]rea's [d]ead [b]o[d]y, [b]ut [c]an we [c]on[f]i[r]m the [P]uerto Ri[c]an gi[r]l [b]ehind the [b]ar is a[w]are, [d]oes the [b]utt [w]i[p]e at the [b]ar [b]ath[r]oom [r]eal[i]ze [R][y]an's [d][i]ed, [I] [d]on't [d]i[s][c]ri[m]i[n]ate [b]e[t][w]een [o]rga[n][i]c en[t][i]ties and [o]ther[w]ise, a[n]other [m]an our age is [d]ying, [s][e][c]ond [c]ousins we n[e]ver [s]ee [d]rop [d]ead in Flori[d]a yet [d]ude [w]as al[w]ays [a]n [a]sshole [a]ny[w]ay, ing[e][s]t the [s]p[e]cial [s]ta[r] sh[a]pes there's [a] cl[u][b] [a][b]ove an a[r][c][a]de, I used to [p]aint [s]ix hours at a t[i]me with the [S]o[b]ie[s][k]i b[y] m[y] [s][i]de, [I] found it enjoya[b]le fo[r] the e[r]a—[c]igar [b]ar with Lams, I’m [w]ell a[w]are [m]y [c]ha[r]is[m]a is unorthodox in [c]ha[r]a[c]ter—
i [c]an n[o] [l]onger [c]on[s]ume [s]pagh[e]tt[i] ali[o] y[e]t i've [g]raduall[y] [c]ome [t]o [t]erms w[i]th th[i]s [t]rying [s][t]ate of exi[s][t]en[c]e, [s]u[r]gi[c]all[y] i[n][s]e[r]ting [s]u[b][s]tan[c]es i[n]to the ver[y] e[s]sen[c]e of [o]ne’s [b][u]tto[c]ks is a [p]ure roll of the d[i]e in [m][y] hum[b]le o[p][i]n[i]on, yet a [f][e][m]ale's [s]exual hi[s]tor[y] is [f]rankl[y] [n]one of our [b]usi[n]es[s], we [t]end [t][o] [v]ie[w] the [v]agina as [a] [t]issue or [a] [k]leene[x] whe[n] it'[s] e[s]se[n]tia[l]ly [r]e[f][l]e[x]ive in [c]hara[c]ter, [l]i[k]e a uni[q]ue [ph][r]ase or [l]a[c]oni[c] [c]o[l]le[c]tion of [l]e[x]i[c]on, that's more or [l]e[s]s how i [v]iew the [c]on[t]emporary [v]ag[i]na at [l]ea[s]t, [i] was [a] [l]ittle [t]a[k]en [a]b[a][c]k [a]t the [f][a][c]t the wing sp[o]t only [o][f]fered [c]urly [f][r]ies, that [r]egular [f]ries were nowhere to be [f]ound on the menu